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The 2015 MLS Supporters' Shield will go to...

Part of my job description is boosting your domestic soccer street cred. So let’s get informed about the good teams in MLS that don’t have the best name brands. One of them just may win the Supporters’ Shield.

What’s that?

I’m ashamed you asked. The Supporters’ Shield is the beautiful trophy given to the team that finishes the regular season with the most points. Think of it as a gateway drug for would-be MLS fans with a single-table fetish. Also, it makes an excellent serving platter for shrimp, which everyone knows is the snack food of champions.

So who’s going to win it?

That’s tough to call. Because MLS is MLS, some teams have played 21 games; some have played 26. But we can check out this handy points-per-game graphic anyway because it has dope colors in it.

FUS_TSG_FS_Alpha_TableByPoints

Now, to answer all of your questions:

D.C. United is top of the real table. Why won’t it win?

I’m so glad you asked! I have three đŸ”¥đŸ”¥đŸ”¥ reasons why D.C. won’t win anything.

  1. Its style of play is an insult to the Soccer Gods themselves. And it will be punished for being so boring.
  2. “We” (and by “we” I mean untrustworthy people) have been praising Bill Hamid as the best ‘keeper in 2015, knowing damn well that every D.C. season ends with him giving up three soft goals in the playoffs.
  3. It’s played 26 games already, so its point total is a bit misleading. Right now, Kansas City and the Red Bulls are better than United—mathematically, artistically, and spiritually.

Robbie Keane has scored 11 goals in the last eight games. Convince me the Galaxy won’t decide to play well and win everything again.

That, I cannot do. It’s entirely possible that fans of all other teams are lying to themselves, and this season is a foregone conclusion. In many ways, the LA Galaxy exist to teach us that life is meaningless, and hope is a fool’s burden.

đŸ‘‘

A photo posted by LA Galaxy (@lagalaxy) on

The Red Bulls have a decent record. Would they win the Sheild with Mike Petke, and will they with Jesse Marsch instead?

Mike Petke is now and forever will be the most beloved figure in Metrostars and Red Bull history. But what Marsch and new general manager Ali Curtis have built this season is shocking. The Red Bulls are easily the best team in the East and have back-to-back shutouts, against $20m Toronto FC and $17m NYCFC. All while spending a league-low $3.4m to do it.

Our Austrian overlords don’t usually do business on the cheap, but this is working.

392259 02: Sloppy Joe''s Bar Tender Crystal Petersen mixes a Red Bull energy drink with vodka July 22, 2001 in Key West, FL. The popular energy drink is now trendy at clubs as a mixer. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)Joe Raedle/Getty Images

The Red Bulls are mixing a tasty concoction of frugal spending and potent results.

Okay, give a prediction. Who will win the 2015 Supporters’ Shield?

I swear this is an unbiased opinion, and 85% of the reason I’m saying this is because of everyone’e remaining schedule. But the Red Bulls are a good team that can still get better once Shaun Wright-Phillips and Gonzalo Veron figure themselves out.

The Energy Drinks have 11 games left. Only one is against a Western Conference opponent (the Portland Timbers), and three are against the abysmal Chicago Fire.

I’m terrified to type this out loud, but the Shield is the Red Bulls’ to lose right now.

The 2015 MLS Supporters' Shield will go to...

Part of my job description is boosting your domestic soccer street cred. So let’s get informed about the good teams in MLS that don’t have the best name brands. One of them just may win the Supporters’ Shield.

What’s that?

I’m ashamed you asked. The Supporters’ Shield is the beautiful trophy given to the team that finishes the regular season with the most points. Think of it as a gateway drug for would-be MLS fans with a single-table fetish. Also, it makes an excellent serving platter for shrimp, which everyone knows is the snack food of champions.

So who’s going to win it?

That’s tough to call. Because MLS is MLS, some teams have played 21 games; some have played 26. But we can check out this handy points-per-game graphic anyway because it has dope colors in it.

FUS_TSG_FS_Alpha_TableByPoints

Now, to answer all of your questions:

D.C. United is top of the real table. Why won’t it win?

I’m so glad you asked! I have three đŸ”¥đŸ”¥đŸ”¥ reasons why D.C. won’t win anything.

  1. Its style of play is an insult to the Soccer Gods themselves. And it will be punished for being so boring.
  2. “We” (and by “we” I mean untrustworthy people) have been praising Bill Hamid as the best ‘keeper in 2015, knowing damn well that every D.C. season ends with him giving up three soft goals in the playoffs.
  3. It’s played 26 games already, so its point total is a bit misleading. Right now, Kansas City and the Red Bulls are better than United—mathematically, artistically, and spiritually.

Robbie Keane has scored 11 goals in the last eight games. Convince me the Galaxy won’t decide to play well and win everything again.

That, I cannot do. It’s entirely possible that fans of all other teams are lying to themselves, and this season is a foregone conclusion. In many ways, the LA Galaxy exist to teach us that life is meaningless, and hope is a fool’s burden.

đŸ‘‘

A photo posted by LA Galaxy (@lagalaxy) on

The Red Bulls have a decent record. Would they win the Sheild with Mike Petke, and will they with Jesse Marsch instead?

Mike Petke is now and forever will be the most beloved figure in Metrostars and Red Bull history. But what Marsch and new general manager Ali Curtis have built this season is shocking. The Red Bulls are easily the best team in the East and have back-to-back shutouts, against $20m Toronto FC and $17m NYCFC. All while spending a league-low $3.4m to do it.

Our Austrian overlords don’t usually do business on the cheap, but this is working.

392259 02: Sloppy Joe''s Bar Tender Crystal Petersen mixes a Red Bull energy drink with vodka July 22, 2001 in Key West, FL. The popular energy drink is now trendy at clubs as a mixer. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)Joe Raedle/Getty Images

The Red Bulls are mixing a tasty concoction of frugal spending and potent results.

Okay, give a prediction. Who will win the 2015 Supporters’ Shield?

I swear this is an unbiased opinion, and 85% of the reason I’m saying this is because of everyone’e remaining schedule. But the Red Bulls are a good team that can still get better once Shaun Wright-Phillips and Gonzalo Veron figure themselves out.

The Energy Drinks have 11 games left. Only one is against a Western Conference opponent (the Portland Timbers), and three are against the abysmal Chicago Fire.

I’m terrified to type this out loud, but the Shield is the Red Bulls’ to lose right now.

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