Season previews are the worst kind of sports content. They’re so lame. They tell you nothing because we know nothing. It’s part of the beauty of sports that we basically don’t know anything going into something. Soccer is especially difficult because the margins of victory are just much thinner, so unlike baseball or basketball, where over time you can make accurate predictions based on statistical models, in soccer you just can’t.
But since La Liga is always pretty much the last of the leagues to start and since it’s pretty much been all quiet on the Western front for the past few weeks, we’re going to shove some pukey, cliche’d season preview content down your throats.
Brace yourselves because we’re going to tell you EXACTLY what’s going to happen this season in La Liga, in painstaking detail.
The season will start in underwhelming fashion for Real Madrid, as the team will stumble out the gates and struggle to score goals. It won’t play poorly per se, but it just won’t overwhelm teams with its firepower. Many a thinkpiece will be written after Madrid’s first three games end up 1-0, 0-0, and 1-1. How can a team with such awesome, shiny, and expensive forwards not be able to score more goals?
Karim Benzema will post an Instagram video of him peeling out in a G-Wagon.
Always, but particularly in September 2015
The attention will turn immediately to Gareth Bale’s position on the field. It’s been the story of the preseason at Madrid. People are already starting to wonder what the hell Benitez is doing by playing Bale in the middle even though he clearly has no idea what he’s doing there. The answer of course being that he is just following the club’s orders.
Bale’s agent will complain that Marcelo has been mocking his client in the showers.
Barcelona will start the season with an impressive string of results, 3-0s, and 4-1s, but the team won’t dazzle anyone with its play. The press will blame it on the fact that the MSN trio isn’t together yet because Neymar will be out with several weeks with a mysterious infection called mumps, which I’d never heard of before yesterday. This is because, according to my crack medical research team, it’s essentially been eradicated in the first world.
Messi and Luis Suarez will continually bail them out after struggling to overwhelm its opponents. The team’s problems will cause Luis Enrique to play both Sergio Busquets and Javier Mascherano together in midfield to make some grand statement about his managerial prowess, and it will backfire tremendously.
It will be Atletico de Madrid who earn all the early season plaudits. They’re weirdly more stacked than they’ve ever been. Their signings this season have been very impressive, bringing in Jackson Martinez and Luciano Vietto to compliment the awesome and super sexy Antoine Griezmann up top. Both are excellent players who will bring goals and a lot of class to the attack.
Fernando Torres will post celebratory, exuberant Instagram pictures after each win, despite never starting a single game.
Then, sometime around October, Madrid will suffer an injury crisis due to the fact that they have this whole new medical staff that the players hate. Weirdly, the injury crisis will see the team actually improve as it will free Benitez of his presidential obligations when designing the lineups. Madrid will then beat Barcelona in the first Clasico, as Bale will miss the match because of a pulled hammy. This huge victory will allow Madrid to overtake Atleti into second place.
At the Christmas Break Barca will be in the lead, four points ahead of Madrid. Madrid will be playing slightly better but will still struggle to generate offense. Atleti is only one point back from Madrid after struggling through a few weeks of injury problems to one of their central midfielders, which is their one weak spot in terms of squad depth.
Diego Simeone will consider playing himself, but will decide not to because Atleti’s kit isn’t all black and would therefore mess with the image he’s going for.
As the flowers begin to bloom in spring, Madrid’s squad will get healthy again so the team will play worse. Barcelona’s defensive problems will begin to sort themselves out. They will also settle on Marc-André ter Stegen as the full time starter in goal after getting tired of rotating keepers.
Atletico de Madrid will continue hound Madrid’s heels for the second spot, and beat it in both head-to-head matchups. Its campaign will be heroic, and there will be thinkpieces wondering whether Griezmann should be considered in the same conversation as Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Suarez, Neymar, etc.
Soccergods.com will post a 2,000 word article about Griezmann’s hair.
In the end, Barca will win the title, Atleti will win the Copa del Rey, Real Madrid will barely hang on to second place, and all three will make the Champions League semifinals. Barca will lose to Bayern Munich in the final.
After the season Real Madrid will sell Ronaldo back to Manchester United.
Wait, did I just type that out loud???