But what are you, the casual observer, supposed to think about each one? There’s just too many hot new signings to come up with a hot take for each.
Thankfully, we did the Science for you, and explained how each will fare in this handy graph:
What’s that? You still have questions? Okay, shoot.
How are you defining success?
The true value of a big signing in MLS comes down to two factors: marketability and footballility. The best, like Davey Beckham, can convince you to buy crappy merchandise you don’t need, while still doing good sports stuff, like scoring goals or whatever.
How did you define technical ability?
Please. Use the correct term. It’s footballility. And there’s a very simple formula for gleaning that.
Footballility = [(Career goals + career assists) ÷ age] – Remaining knee ligaments
So that’s career goals plus career assists, divided by age. You take that number and subtract the player’s remaining functional knee ligaments.
Simple, really. You should have thought of that.
You really think Gio Dos Santos is better than Steven Gerrard?
We don’t. Science does. Please, respect the process.
Or more popular than Didier Drogba?
Forget this summer. Dos Santos has the potential to become the best non-Beckham signing in MLS history. Like Sebastian Giovinco (your future MLS MVP), he’s the perfect combination of age, skill, and price, except people know who Dos Santos is. He plays for the most popular soccer team in the United States: the Mexican national team.
That said, the Drogfather is dope, and Montreal is dope, and the Drogfather arriving in Montreal was dope.
Wait, back up. How are you defining marketability?
Here’s the formula:
Marketability = (Twitter + Instagram followers) ÷ (Butts in seats + Merchandise sales)
This all sounds like math to me.
That’s not a question. Also, math is a science.
Last question: Shaun Wright-Phillips is really better than Frank Lampard?
You’re a climate change denier, aren’t you? Why can’t you understand science?
Did you even seen SWP this weekend? The people in our lab can’t even quantify the value of the psychokinetic sibling bond he has with Bradley. SWP’s place here is a conservative estimate.
Also, for the record, here’s how you pluralize Wright-Phillips: