Alright, fine, the All-Star Game isn’t exactly halfway through the season. But we’re going to pretend it is anyway and hand out a whole bunch of midseason awards for 2015.
Just a quick note: all of these awards have been decided using strict science and bruisingly tough logic, and definitely not bias of any sort.
Cool, glad we sorted that out.
First up, the most valuable player in MLS in 2015.
Will he become the shortest MVP in league history? According to our intricate analytics and peerless scientific research: Yes.
Ben Olsen has somehow led D.C. United into first place in the East, despite not playing a single minute of watchable soccer.
That’s impressive. That’s a coaching feat to behold. (Or not, if you can avoid it.)
Watch him dirge his way to this award come the end of the calendar year.
Look. We’re soccer experts here on the Soccer Gods. We’ve watched more games than your mother, who is very old and will probably die soon. We’ve seen every single MLS season since it debuted in 1996. And we’ve never witnessed the grace or composure Andrea Pirlo submitted in the 33 minutes of his NYCFC debut.
The vernal Italian has a future in this game. Count on it.
Speaking of New York City FC, it’s about to win Best Supporting Actor in a Dramatic Role.
Yes, that’s a real award. Look it up.
Back in June, NYCFC managed to lose to both the Red Bulls and the Cosmos. And yet, despite capitulating in the NYC Soccer Warz, the team decided not to fold. For that alone, it deserves and award.
We get it. Soccer in this country, and MLS in particular, is all about hipsterdom. Gotta hear about the next hot talent before Twitter dot com or Big Soccer does. Allow us to help you out here. Head to your local jersey store, and buy one with the name of Barnes on the back.
Here’s what he did to the U.S. national team in the Gold Cup semis:
And he does this kinda shit all the time in MLS.
In a few months when your friends join the bandwagon you’ve been championing for ages, we expect a hand-written thank you notes.
Let’s end on the Best Life Decision. That’d be Pablo Mastoreni shaving off his mustache. Since the trim, the Colorado Rapids have gone from embarrassing to merely terrible. Well worth it.
Check back in at the end of the season to see that all of our predictions came true.