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Wasteland: A First Look

An English guy with a pipe and some booze explains the Tyne-Wear derby

The conflict between Newcastle and Sunderland is so old, we had to dust off Uncle Berty to provide some perspective.

Normally isolated in Fusion’s catacombs, Albert “Berty” Ponsonby-Carr persists on second-hand brandy and drug store tobacco. Because he only appears on the show three or four times a year, this diet’s left him delusional, surviving at a barely viable 42 pounds. Long periods of catatonic hibernation are the only reasons this 126-year-old man is still around.

After four pots of tea and a tumbler of Rémy Martin, Berty’s brought back to his pomp and ready for the show. The only prompt he needs: Some link to English football.

This week, that link was the Tyne-Wear derby, about which our delusional uncle fabricated a story about cavaliers, roundheads and Oliver Cromwell. No chance any of those things are real.

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