If you’re wagering on March Men-ness, respect one universal truth: The Round of 16 is no place for upsets. If the favorites fold, that’s going to come later, when any newfound hotness will thrive on the momentum of knocking out old studs. To open the tournament, though? The big boys always bring it.
Yesterday, no favorite favorited more than Arsenal, who destroyed Tunisia’s Esperance in your Round of 16 votes. Borussia Dortmund? Juventus? They also enjoyed huge victories, so the flood of votes didn’t necessarily come from one fan base. These Englishmen, Germans and Italians all saw their refined features rewarded with easy wins.
Look at that last line and bow to the power of Marco Boriello! In a landslide, the Genoa forward carried his team past Radamel Falcao, Luke Shaw and Ashley Young. That result’s sure to rekindle some Moyes-era inadequacies with Manchester United.
We’d like to say that the rest of the round was more competitive, but it wasn’t. Aside from Liverpool’s nail biter against Kaká and Orlando, there was little doubt who would be sliding into our final eight.
All of which leaves us with our quarterfinals …
… and more voting. Now that we have March Men-ness’s last eight, we can kick a few out of more bed and ID that final four.
Just in case you forgot what each team’s packing, we’ve included Arielle Castillo’s snapshots. And remember yesterday’s advice: Don’t screw this up.
Arsenal vs. Paris Saint-Germain
“Olivier Giroud is the smug-but-incredibly-perfect face that launched a thousand Tumblr reblogs – and a not-so-nice, extramarital assignation with a glamour model. But though Olivi-bae could carry his team to victory based on his chiseled abs and exquisite nose alone, don’t forget Thomas Rosicky’s sex hair, Hector Bellerin’s fine nose/tattoo combo, and Serge Gnabry’s incredible pout.”
Click here for more Arsenal “research.”
Paris Saint-Germain (France)
“Two words: Ezequiel Lavezzi. But don’t mop up all that drool just yet –Salvatore Sirigu and Javier Pastore come cut from a similar Mediterranean-ish cloth. Meanwhile Gregory van der Wiel is here for all your bad-tattooed-boy fantasies, and Sergie Aurier will draw you close to that broad and solid chest.”
Inform your vote. Check out more PSG talent.
Genoa vs. Real Madrid
“Um, TBH we all know this team isn’t that great at actually playing the game or anything, but here is where it wins in greatness: the possible pinnacle of perfection that is Marco Borriello. Why is he even letting cleats and flying objects get anywhere near his person? Why does he exist? Oh god, even the randos on the team like Giuseppe Panico (if you like blondes) and Eugenio Lamanna (if you don’t) are 10s compared to most U.S. athletes? What is this?”
Don’t let Marco overshadow the rest of Genoa’s talents.
Real Madrid (Spain)
“Sure, we’re biased, but let’s just go through all the hot pickings here.Cristiano Ronaldo’s the front-runner for mainstream perfection, but it’s hard to even type about Sergio Ramos. Marcelo’s an underrated slice of hotness, James Rodriguez’s innocent face would impress your parents, andKarim Benzema’s bearded ruggedness smolders. Also, Isco (cue heavy breathing).”
See why Real Madrid is the favorite.
Barcelona vs. Liverpool
“BRB, literally crying because Gerard Pique is taken by freaking Shakira so the fantasies are pointless. Moving on from that tower of perfection, Barca could go toe-to-toe with any competitors thanks to the likes of Marc Bartra – have you seen his dog-photo-filled Instagram? – and the adorable Neymar.”
Do Real Madrid’s rivals measure up? Judge for yourself.
“Here’s another wealth of options. Adam Lallana – his hair, his beard, his perfectly tattooed and chiseled bod — is the clear front-runner to take his team to potential victory. But then there’s Daniel Sturridge, whose hair and dance moves could make underwear drop, and Raheem Sterling, if you fancy them with a face that looks cute and ready for defiling.”
It’s important to appreciate Liverpool’s depth of talent.
Juventus vs. Borussia Dortmund
“Andrea Pirlo may look to be an experienced 35, but his status as the suavest man alive makes him pure sex. (He’s also a past Man Crush Monday honoree). Also in the category of “older men who will teach you about the finer things in life,” there’s Gianluigi Buffon and his amazing profile. Don’t forget the younger heartthrobs like Alvaro Morata andFernando Llorente.”
See why Italy’s finest are more than just Pirlo.
Borussia Dortmund vs. San Lorenzo
Borussia Dortmund (Germany)
“Mats Hummels is the kind of man who inspires unprovoked weeping among fans of handsomeness. But you can keep on crying over Shinji Kagawa and Marco Reus, too. If it’s your thing, make sure to save some tears for the Teutonic perfection of Roman Weidenfeller, too.”
Discover why Europe keeps fawning over Dortmund’s talents.