José Mourinho sucks his opponents dry, gets his life force from trophies and titles

Titles are to José Mourinho as blood is to vampires: an insatiable thirst that can’t be quenched.

“It’s hard for me to live without titles. I need to feed myself with them,” he said.

The vampire analogy falls down a bit since the bloodsuckers are traditionally allergic to silver, which is what trophies are traditionally made out of. Or is that werewolves? And is silverware still made out of silver these days?

Anyway. Long story short, José Mourinho isn’t about to retire from soccer now that Chelsea won the Capital One Cup (What’s In Your Trophy Cabinet?) with a 2-0 win over London rivals Spurs at Wembley yesterday. Not with plenty of blood/trophies to be sucked/won from nubile virgins/in the 2014-15 season.

Despite it being only the Capital One Cup, and only Spurs, Mourinho celebrated wildly, writhing around on the grass in his suit with scant regard for the possible consequences on his dry-cleaning bill.

Close to the final whistle, TV cameras showed him pumping his fist, hugging his staff then greeting vanquished opposite number Mauricio Pochettino with a humblebrag “ah, whatcha gonna do, eh?” faux-sympathetic gesture.

It’s the 21st trophy of his managerial career, and the first since the Spanish Super Cup in 2012. A third of them have come with Chelsea. It’s the club’s first trophy since the 2013 Europa League, which everyone had done their best to forget had ever happened.

And since Manchester City lost on Sunday to leave Chelsea five points clear at the top of the Premier League standings with a game in hand, expect Mourinho to be celebrating again in May.

“It’s important for me to feel like I am a kid of 15 years old,” Mourinho said by way of explanation for his antics, heading off to his bedroom to sulk, wonder about whether the girls in his class like him and examine his acne.