Rayo Vallecano’s Alberto Bueno scored four goals in 15 minutes against Levante

As properly cultured soccer enthusiasts, we would be remiss if we did not acknowledge today’s performance by Rayo Vallecano’s Alberto Bueno. Did we see Rayo’s 4-2 win over Levante live today? No. We had other things to do. That doesn’t mean we can’t look back and reflect on what’s important.

The magnificently named Bueno not only scored four goals in a La Liga game, he did it in under 15 minutes. Around the 23rd minute, Bueno must have realized that he had someplace else he needed to be. It was probably someone’s birthday and he forgot to call; regardless, he got off that field as quickly as possible.

By the 65th minute, he’d done enough to get subbed off, presumably leaving the stadium immediately to pick up some flowers for someone at a gas station on the way home.