A Hibernian player has been banned from a McDonalds for throwing muffins at the crew

Hibernian (Scotland: still a league) striker Jason Cummings has been accused of doing the hilarious unthinkable, and he’s been banned from his local branch of McDonalds. The 19-year-old striker (of course, he’s a striker) and his friends have been accused of abusing customers and staff, even going as far to throw “muffins” at them.

A McDonald’s spokeswoman issued the following statement:

“Following behaviour deemed to be unacceptable, we are in the process of writing to this individual, informing him of our decision to ban him from Gorgie Road restaurant. Our first priority is to ensure that our restaurants are a safe and welcoming environment for our customers and employees, so we take antisocial behaviour very seriously.”

Cummings maintains that he has done nothing wrong and was simply unlucky enough to want a McGriddle or whatever at the same time all hell broke loose at the eatery. Not to be out-gunned in the spokesperson department, a “source” close to Cummings spoke to the Daily Record, saying:

“Jason has been left quite upset by these allegations and wants to stress that he did nothing wrong. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught up in something that wasn’t his doing. Thankfully, he has the full support of the club and his manager, Alan Stubbs and, as ever, he’s working hard to get back in the team for their game against Alloa on Saturday. He just wants to put this behind him and get on with scoring goals for Hibs.”

The real controversy here is whether Cummings was throwing regular muffins or McMuffins, the delightful breakfast sandwich. It’s an important detail that’s been lost in most of the story’s reporting. It’s possible that the cultural barriers between Scotland and the United States are causing the confusion. Depending on which food item was actually thrown, there should be very different reactions and consequences to what Cummings has allegedly done.

When someone from Scotland says “muffin,” what do they mean? Is it like when someone English says “biscuit” but what they mean is cookie? I tried to run the story through Google translator, but Scottish-to-(American) English was not an option.

If Cummings was throwing blueberry-filled baked goods, then he’s a jerk, but in an annoying, teenage kind of way. If he was throwing McMuffins — grabbing full sandwiches of ham and poached egg — and tossing them at people, then he’s a savage thug who should be locked away in a federal prison immediately, with no possibility of release. No one willing to throw ham at strangers will ever grow to be a productive member of society.

Regardless, good on Hibs for benching Cummings this weekend. The kid is obviously on a dark path. He’s throwing breakfast menu items now, but the natural progression is for him to start tossing light lunch fare at unsuspecting innocents. Inevitably, he won’t get the thrill he’s seeking from will step up to heavier foods.

Society likes to ignore it, but there are kids out in the world right now beaning unsuspecting fast food customers with Big Macs. It’s a grim truth, but those are the realities of the world we live in.


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