Sex parties are just parties and Boca Juniors is cruel to try and forbid them

Remember Dani Osvaldo? The Roma striker — and part-time pirate of the Caribbean and steam-punk spiritual healer — who left for Southampton in 2013 and vanished from the face of the earth? We’ve found him! It seems he’s been off in Argentina having “sex parties” (all parties are inherently “sex parties”, it’s the only reason we all endure awkward social gatherings). Osvaldo is currently in Buenos Aires playing for Boca Juniors, his third loan stint since signing with Southampton, but that sort of career instability doesn’t appear to be dampening his spirits.

According to the presumably reliable tabloid Crónica, Osvaldo and four of his Boca teammates were busted sneaking women into the team hotel the night before their match against Temperley. Team MVP (if he isn’t actually, he should be) Juan Manuel Martinez was reportedly caught mid-ritual by the team’s head coach Rodolfo Arruabarrena. Because even the greatest strikers in the world need a good assist, Martinez was found in the room of the club’s fitness coach, who left it empty for him. That’s the sort of teamwork that wins championships.

Coach Arruabarrena, who is either too old, repressed or needs more whole grain in his diet, is very upset about his player’s desires to live out the fantasies that made them want to be professional players in the first place. He’s said to have met with Boca’s president to discuss having the fornicators removed from the team and sending Osvaldo back to Europe. It’s important to note that Boca Juniors won the game against Temperley and is currently undefeated in Torneo Final. There have only been two games, but still, the players’ system is obviously working just fine.

What world is this where adults have to sneak in and out of hotels for sex and/or parties? These men and women are taxpaying citizens and consenting adults who should be able to get their assorted freaks on in any way, shape, or fashion they see fit. No grown men shoud have to have his teammates on look-out patrol so he can bring new friends over. It’s a team hotel, not their mothers’ houses.

Did Boca Juniors’ coaching staff know that there was a new Jodeci single out? You can’t deny your players to opportunity to express themselves physically when there’s new Jodeci music in the world. It’s unfair.

Oh…wait…Osvaldo is married? Nevmind, then. This is foul. Boca Juniors should probably cut him.

 

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