Hollywood spent the Academy Awards trying to bond with the soccer world

Last night, all of the celebrities, including Toni Braxton, hit the red carpet for the 87th annual Academy Awards. Hairstyles, capes, and humility were on full display from the moment the carpet’s bleacher section started filling up.

Beyond the movie talk about winners and losers, several of last nights stars seemed to be making silent tributes to the soccer world. Perhaps movie stars play a lot of FIFA; maybe they played professionally. We don’t know the rationale for the gestures with certainty, but we do know what we saw on television. Maybe you didn’t catch the gestures.

Here are the Oscar shout outs to soccer.

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1. Scarlett Johansson’s next move

To the non-soccer crowd, Scarlett Johansson simply strolled up to the red carpet trying to secure a role in Game of Thrones, Season 8 or a made-for-TV movie about Miley Cyrus’s life choices. But to the trained soccer eye, the former Oxfam ambassador was throwing her support behind the world’s greatest manager, Diego Simeone.

Club Atletico de Madrid v Cordoba CF - La Liga

Johansson playing Simeone in Invasion of La Liga basically wins her an Oscar. You’ve heard it here first. All the Oscars.

87th Annual Academy Awards - Backstage And Audience

2. Why the sad, Adam? Because it’s art.

Adam Levine came to the Academy Awards to drop down on a knee and croon Maroon 5ish things.

I get on my knees and cryyyyyyy for you

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want toooooooooo

Because pain in my life Marrooooonnnnnn Fiiiiveeeeeeee

And that’s exactly what he did, to the naked eye. Or something like that. But if you remove the microphone and microphone stand from his performance, you’re left with a man complaining, whining that he didn’t get his way in front of a cabal of the most powerful players in the entertainment industry. But I felt no sympathy, because I know that it was just trickery and witchcraft. Adam Levine doesn’t have real feelings. He’s just trying to win over the crowd and sell more widgets.

I won’t blame you if the metaphor is lost on you. This isn’t an easy one. But once you figure out that the audience is the referee, you quickly realize …

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Moving on …

87th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

3. A legend for real. MLS fans know where this is going …

John Legend won an Grammy Academy Award last night for “Glory,” off of that hot Selma soundtrack. (I haven’t actually listened to the soundtrack.) The song, however, is fire, and because of that hot fire, Legend’s shelf that houses his multiple Grammy Awards and his Golden Globe now has one more object for someone else to dust. You should be impressed.

But none of these achievements surpass the accolades Legend should be receiving for playing James Riley in Major League Soccer for the last nine years.

DC United v Houston Dynamo

I don’t want to hear anything else about Boyhood. John Legend has been playing a professional athlete while leading a wildly successful music career over the last nine years. Everyone should give their Oscars to him. We might as well start calling these awards “Legends.”

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4. Solange wore a cape

First things first: Solange Knowles can do whatever the hell she wants to do because, let’s be real here, you’ve seen Solange’s wedding pictures.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, Solange needs to immediately join forces with System Tchakap, which is clearly the signal she was sending on the red carpet yesterday evening.

There are only so many times you can show up to an event (or in front of a camera) and out-maneuver the rest of humanity simply by wearing things and posing. Solange and Alex Song are kindred spirits, the kind of people who can somehow pull off anything in the name of fashion. These two could probably wear real strawberries and look dope.

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Here’s the movie pitch: Solange and Alex Song start a unisex clothing line called Solex. Kanye gets mad at them for no reason. Solex perseveres through the hard times and Solange, encouraged by Alex, reignites her solo career, eventually becoming bigger than Beyoncé, all while wearing amazing clothes — like bear head gloves — that make little sense to normals.

She will win an Oscar for a movie about giving a terrible soccer team a makeover.

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5. Anna Wintour’s jacket wants to be a team mascot

Did you have another conclusion? Of course you don’t, because there’s no other reason to wear fur indoors in Hollywood unless you’re sending out a cry for help, trying to show solidarity with mascots, or trying to land a mascot gig. And there’s a mascot vacancy at LAFC that needs filling.

Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour seems to be angling for a role in an upcoming mascot film, based on our Senior Mascot Correspondent’s piece “Indentured, Servants: The sad, secret lives of MLS mascots.” Stories of struggle resonate with the Academy. Not too much struggle, but the requisite amount of struggle to ensure that the voters don’t get too out of their comfort zone. Mascot struggle hits that chord perfectly, and it shouldn’t shock anyone that Wintour is on the case.

Chivas USA v Vancouver Whitecaps

And you thought that mascot longform was the end of that beat. Nope. There’s always more mascot.

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