No way Hamburg’s enjoying Valentine’s night after its 8-0 loss at Bayern

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day to celebrate love. You go buy your significant other (or some random, attractive passerby on the street) some chocolates, show them that Groupon for Red Lobster and let them luxuriate with some Cheddar Bay Biscuits® as a sign of your desire to see them nude.

It doesn’t look like anyone told Bayern Munich, because the Bavarians chose today of all days to stomp on the hearts of Hamburg to the tune of 8-0, as if “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore” was queued to blare through the Allainz speakers at the final whistle. Germans probably aren’t up on their Rose Royce, but it’s as fitting any anthem for the cruel, heartless dismantling HSV endured today.

When Thomas Müller is hitting spin moves like a backup singer on Soul Train, it’s obvious that St. Valentine has forgotten you. Müller is already practicing to take his wife out dancing tonight, while embarrassed HSV players know they’ll have to cave in and buy all the roses from that guy who walks around selling them at the club.

It won’t be easy or cheap for them to convince their partners be seen with them in public. Did Bayern Munich take this into consideration? Of course not. They’re a bunch of uncaring, soulless machines.

Eight goals. On purpose, making it hard not to have some level of sympathy for Hamburg. With no regard for the stability of their opponents’ relationships, Bayern were as aggressive and unwavering as you will be with tonight’s cologne.

Valentine’s day is supposed to be a lay-up, excuse me, a tap-in for romantic endeavors. Now, instead of bubble baths in giant champagne glass hottubs and mirrored ceilings in swanky motels, HSV players have to prove to their dates that they actually bring something to the table. Love is cruel.

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