Five things we’ve learned about Cristiano Ronaldo’s 30th birthday

Unless you live under a rock, you know that Ballon d’Or winner and awkward screamer Cristiano Ronaldo is now into his fourth decade on earth. You likely also know that the Real Madrid star held his birthday soiree the night of Madrid’s 4-0 pounding at the fists and feet of cross-town rival Atlético.

The timing of Cristianofest didn’t go over well for everyone. Some of his teammates decided to forego the festivities; others went. All in all, if we’re to believe media reports (and we shouldn’t), the entire day was a hot mess. According to Cristiano’s agent, Jorge Mendes, that made Cristano sad. [insert emoji]

But all was not lost, because I learned five things from Cristianofest, and I want to share them with you. Because I care.

Real Madrid Football Players Attend Cristiano Ronaldos's 30th Birthday Party In Madrid

1. Gareth Bale is terrified in Madrid

Look at his face. LOOK AT ALL THE FACES. Look at the eye in the seat behind Bale. Everyone is petrified.

When Gareth Bale initially moved from London to Madrid, everyone wondered how he’d fit in with Brand Ronaldo. Would he defer? Would he speak to him in English or Moyespanish? Should Bale start an underwear line? Would he move to La Finca? It was overwhelming.

But things began well. Very well. Goals were scored; smiles were had. But good times don’t last forever.

Lately, Bale can’t seem to do anything right. Even when he plays well, failing to see a Cristiano run, being selfish with shots (not passing to Cristiano), and essentially doing anything else that makes Cristiano’s hunt for the Ballon d’Or more difficult becomes a problem. Cristiano pouts, flails and throws tantrums in front of company. And with every outburst, Bale wonders if he made a massive mistake “moving to Europe.”

Now look at Bale’s face again. LOOK AT IT. If that isn’t a cry for help masked by pride, I don’t know what it is.

Real Madrid Football Players Attend Cristiano Ronaldos's 30th Birthday Party In Madrid

2. Bale travels with an interesting crew.

A fixer? His manager? Accountant? Bodyguards? Who are those other people in the car? And why?

More on this later.

3. Rarely is it a good idea to be an athlete and try to sing in front of a camera.

Yup.

Real Madrid Football Players Attend Cristiano Ronaldos's 30th Birthday Party In Madrid

4. No one wanted to go to Cristiano’s party

Let’s ignore for a moment the person in the back seat who looks like she’s either about to open the door and summersault out of a moving car or slowly pass away. It’s hard to ignore the zombie-like looks on the faces of the vast majority of people rolling up to Cristianofest.

Scroll back up and take a look at Gareth Bale’s car.

My guess: no one wants to go or that they all know that Cristiano’s parties involve weird, kinky games to the death, which explains all of the horrified passengers. Most of these people know they aren’t coming back alive. That would explain the look on the faces of the new boys, too. Sure, they’ve heard stories. But attendance is another thing. And when you heap that on top of regular Ronaldo pressures? Oh boy.

Hopefully everyone’s accounted for. Or at least most of the people.

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5. Toni Kroos probably lost the game

No passengers. That look. Kids, don’t go to parties at Cristiano’s house. Rumor has it, Toni showed up to Cristianofest with a packed car.

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