Here are your favorite pieces of soccer violence from the weekend

Mondays on the soccer internet are pretty special. It’s the day we gather around with our co-workers, families and the rest of the believers in our commune to watch recaps of the best action from the weekend. We’ve spent the last two days stressing over tactics, dropped points, fan culture, and all that other high brow stuff that you don’t have the time or energy to deal with today.

What you need is content. Sweet internet gold. The kind of thing those of us on the supply-side of internet economics can crank out with hangovers so you can peruse while you’re listening to Henderson from sales do his powerpoint presentation on the Milwaukee account. Again. It’s the digital equivalent of a McRib sandwich with a Zoloft crushed into the meat.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the two most Monday internet-worthy events of the weekend and decide who was contenting harder. Have a look at this human meme work from Saturday:

In Scotland, the league that time forgot, Livingston’s Jason Talbot saw the opoortunity to pretend he was going for a 50/50 ball and kick a Hearts player in the face. Sam Nicholson made the mistake of trying hard and got a valuable lesson in the process. Now, he’s a YouTube legend until at least 8 p.m. ET tonight.

This is really strong content. It’s Scottish, so readers can imagine the fun accents in the post-kick scrum. The kick itself had a strong “bored Zlatan against a a second division team in a French Cup” acrobatic flair. It only takes 33 seconds to watch. I rate this two rocket ships, a dancing lady and one panda face.

🚀 🚀 💃 🐼

Because high-grade soccer content knows no borders, this magnificence happened in the Africa Cup of Nations on Sunday:

Who doesn’t love a good nut shot on the internet? If you want to add to the fun, do an informal poll of your friends and relatives, asking them which was the worse part of Mubarak Wakaso’s day: losing a continental championship on penalties, or having his family parts run through a panini press in the middle of the game.

Serey Die is probably a better producer of internet content due to the degree of difficulty in hitting his accidental target, as well as the comedy bonus of slow motion. His fully extended leg remainded aloft long enough to make it look like he saw what was about to happen, experienced a deep regret, apologized and wished he was tall enough that this was only a kick to the chest. Strong work all around.

Final rating: 💯🍩🐲

Which bit of content was your favorite? It doesn’t really matter. Your Monday is almost over. But if you give a damn, tweet us your favorite at @soccergods, along with an appropriate emoji and why that emoji is meaningful in this context. Maybe we’ll send an emoji back.


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