Atlético almost scored two overhead kicks, trashed Real Madrid

As you may have heard, Real Madrid took a palm across the face today, in the form of a 4-0 slap by the baby-powdered hands of Atlético Madrid. It was loud, it was degrading, it made for great television for neutrals and people bothered by the frequency with which they see Garth Bale’s disturbing smile.

Iker Casillas may need weeks to recover. In his defense, he played without a defense, as La Real were without Sergio Ramos and Pepe. Pepe would have been good for at least a well-timed yellow card or a few “professional fouls” to keep Atleti’s attack in check.

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Instead, it took Diego Simeone’s troops less than 20 minutes to realize that the day was theirs and go for the And1 highlights. Saúl went ecofriendly and rode his bike right through the hearts of what was left of Real Madrid’s backline. After just 18 minutes Atlético fans were claiming all the best plazas in Madrid. The Orangina flowed free. Flan was in the oven, assuming that’s how you make flan.

Griezmann would try an overhead kick of his own soon after, because why the hell not? Real Madrid didn’t seem to have much interest in the game, and really, why would Griezmann let Tiago have the best finish of the day? Atleti had a strong enough grip on the game that Griezmann could have told everyone on the field exactly what he was going to try and still come this close to pulling it off. Five degrees to his right, and Real Madrid would have needed to file a protective order at halftime.

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Eventually, the Frenchman would have his impact on the scoreline. Perhaps. It’s unclear if Griezmann actually got a touch on this, or if the power of Verane’s frustration and/or boredom was strong enough to push the ball into goal.

How bad was this game for Real Madrid? I’ve gotten through this “recap” without mentioning Portuguese Jesus (“Portuguesus”). There were rumors that he was involved in the match, and even went the full 90 minutes, but we have no visual or statistical evidence to support these claims.

Today’s El Derbi madrileño win puts Atlético back within four points of their battered and bruised opponents.