If you’re a fan of entertainment, you’re a fan of Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew, even if, like many, you hate him.
Last we heard from Pardew, he was opening his hands wide to collect money received from having short spurts of success in between spells that look like scandalous ineptitude. Standard manager stuff, really. Pards had somehow convinced professional beer-drinker and somehow Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley to put him on a too-many-year contract for a reportedly too many billion dollars, a deal that everyone with an IQ knew would inevitably get broken. And after an initial renewal, it eventually got the breaking that was always coming. Pardew parted ways with Newcastle at the beginning of 2015 to take over a Palace team flirting with relegation. No reasonable human does that, even if getting regularly booed by Geordies becomes a part of your day-to-day tasks. I mean they’re Geordies, you’re going to get booed. But Pardew walked, arguably for personal and professional reasons, solidifying the notion that something is wrong with the man. But that’s why no one’s as entertaining as Alan Pardew; he’s bigger than dollars and sense.
So here we are, at the beginning of Pardew’s Crystal Palace chapter. Since his arrival in January, Palace under Pardew has toppled Tottenham and Southampton — impressive scalps for any team. In fact, Palace has won four of their five games under Pardew. And, those four victories were consecutive wins, which is special considering Palace hasn’t been able to cobble together back-to-back wins since the opening bell of the 2014-15 season.
So here we are, at quite possibly peak Pardew, at a time when every move he makes is gold. So what has the man gone out and done now? He’s gone out and signed a player from Barton Rovers and thrown him into the squad for this weekend’s match against Leicester. A who from what? Yeah, we know. You can do those sort of things when you’re Alan Pardew, because who are you again?
Keshi Anderson, 19, Pardew’s latest recruit reportedly joined Palace after scoring a hat-trick in six minutes while on trial with Brentford. That’s the word. He was officially on the books at a club that sounds like Joey Barton bought Blackburn Rovers and then decided to troll the fans by changing the club’s name and getting them relegated several times in one day. But Barton Rovers actually toil in the Southern League Division One Central, seven tiers below the Premier League, or two levels below purgatory, according to religious scholars.
Pardew on his new signing: “Six minutes isn’t bad is it? He’s just got a chance, that’s what it is.”
Good point. Six minutes ain’t bad. I mean it’s bad for normals, but not for Pardew. For Pardew, six minutes is an eternity. He continued, “It’s an opportunity for him, he trained with us today and I’ve put him in the squad tomorrow. It’ll be good experience for him to come to see what goes on and his headlights are still full on.”
Who are we to question Pardew at this point? Even if this signing — like most signings, actually —turns out to be underwhelming, at least, once again, Alan Pardew, the most entertaining Englishman in England, has entertained us once again.
Thank you, Mr. Pardew. Can’t see what you do next and who’s going to pay you lots of money for it.