Mesut Özil should stick to soccer rather than consider a career on stage

Soccer players get extensively media-trained in order to ensure they never say anything interesting in public. This isn’t a disaster in print, where reporters and headline-writers can work hard to polish the linguistic turds. On video, though, bored-sounding, unmodulated, perfunctory comments can’t be so easily massaged.

And so, Mesut Özil’s no-doubt sincere and well-meaning message of thanks to his fans for “following all my social media platforms” (Platforms? Does he have another career as a Silicon Valley marketing manager?) hit the internet with a dull thud.

Speaking of dull thuds, it sounds like a construction worker in the background is hitting some metal with a hammer; but Özil bravely ignores the distraction and carries on with his nine-second message, while sitting on a step in someone’s backyard, not wearing socks in the depth of the English winter.

Özil hasn’t looked this stilted and weary since last summer’s World Cup. “I really appreciate it,” he says, sounding like a man thanking the IRS for deciding to audit his tax returns.

No wonder he kept quiet in the slightly scary adidas ad where he turned into some sort of shark-snake-crocodile man-reptile.