Man Crush Monday: Sinful thoughts about Kaká

It’s time for another Man Crush Monday, and this week we’re going to head to the southern hemisphere where things are hot and moist. Behold this steel pair of Brazil nuts: former Real Madrid, future Orlando City midfielder Kaká. Yes, like so many Brazilians before him, he’s headed on a pilgrimage to the land of Mickey Mouse—and, if we’re lucky, he’ll somehow wind up in one of the many “Florida man” stories that end in nudity.


Let’s ignore the fact that he has the crappiest nickname around, and focus instead on the angelic halo that surrounds those pensive brows and penetrating stare. Look at those pouty lips that just whisper, “Defile me!”

Japan v Brazil - International Friendly

“Angelic” isn’t a random choice of words, in fact, because Kaká’s pretty much been blessed with the gift of male beauty by Jesus—who, no secret, is his total BFF.


Like that time in 2009 Kaká collected a whopping 65 million euros for transferring from AC Milan to Real Madrid? Totally because he bro-ed down with the son of god. And the huge following on social media — 10 million followers on Twitter alone? Again, probably thanks to his homeboy Jesus.

Sao Paulo v Figueirense - Brasileirao Series A 2014

But you know, he gives back to keep enjoying all this heavenly favor—after all, he is an ambassador for the UN’s World Food Program. A sensitive humanitarian? Yeah, sorry church, but that only makes him that much more attractive for a deadly sin or two.

Did I mention he’s also got total DILF status? There’s nothing biologically hotter than a devoted dad.


And since the job of stepmommy may or may not be open soon… Kaká, are you separated from your wife?


Back together?


Just know, Kaká, that I’m really good at taking care of my multiple cats.