Cambridge United is going to buy new toilets after earning an FA Cup replay at Old Trafford

You might say that Manchester United’s crap performance in the FA Cup last Friday has left Cambridge United flush with money.

You might.

That 0-0 at the Abbey Stadium last Friday earned the English fourth-tier club a replay at Old Trafford, on that’s expected to net it 1.5 million pounds – about its entire annual wage bill.

This being humble League Two, where the facilities are Dickensian orphanage standard, and the players eat pre-match meals of gruel washed down with Gatorade, Cambridge don’t plan to do anything fancy with the cash. The club’s not going to spend it on expanding its brand in Asia or stocking the hospitality areas with own-brand champagne.

They’re going to spend it on toilets and tea.

“Hopefully we can get the stadium done and start putting in some proper toilets,” Cambridge chairman Dave Doggett (a man whose very name screams “League Two chairman”) told the Sunday Mirror. “Some toilets and tea bars and more hospitality – that’s what we will do.”

So that magnificent draw against a United side that looked like it’d never seen mud before has proved to be Cambridge’s very own game of thrones. Maybe they’ll install bidets. Or one of those fancy remote-control, heated Japanese toilets. The result kicked butt – Cambridge fans’ butts.