Doctors, lawyers, entire MLS teams: What your Premier League club needs in this transfer window

With just over a week left, we are now entering the business end of the January transfer window. It’s been a relatively quiet one so far, but that should change as clubs talk themselves into one or more likely disastrous signings. The winter window’s no place for measured, thought out plans. For the most part, transfer windows are horrid, overblown affairs anyway. They’re only enjoyed by agents and the kind of soccer fan that thinks foreplay is better than sex.

If you fall into the latter category, here is your fix – ideal signings for the most needy in the Premier League. Be warned: some of these signings would be difficult. In fact, some of them are not even players. Some of them are not even people. But these are the transfers that are guaranteed to improve the fortunes of your favorite team, or your money back.

Arsenal FC v Galatasaray AS - UEFA Champions League

Arsenal

Ideal signing: Someone to slap Arsène Wenger.

Repeatedly, until he learns his lesson. We all know what this Arsenal team needs. Another center half, a real defensive midfielder, a top class finisher, etc. The problem is not that the players are not available, or that Arsenal do not have the resources to buy them. The problem is that the manager, while still brilliant, is a stubborn old bastard.

The best signing that they can make in this window is someone to slap the taste out of Wenger’s mouth every time he looks longingly at another creative midfield type.

Aston Villa

Ideal signing: Excitement of any kind, any way possible.

Have you watched Villa this season? Jesus H. Christ. It is the epitome of joylessness. Only the most loyal of supporters and the most twisted of masochists could regularly sit through the dull, soul-sapping, pointless displays that Paul Lambert’s team has been putting on. No wonder Roy Keane couldn’t be bothered with it anymore.

Chelsea v Aston Villa - Premier League

Chelsea

Ideal signing: Several promising youngsters.

To be immediately loaned out, naturally. And then recalled when they’ve tripled in value after being developed by the loaning club. And then sold. Because the only thing better than cynically manipulating Financial Fair Play is cynically circumventing Financial Fair Play every chance you get. Suck it, Platini.

Everton

Ideal signing: David Moyes.

They want that old thing back! After all their snickering at Moysey’s struggles last season, Everton fans are now wishing they had some of the stability his teams showed. While Roberto Martínez is stubbornly refusing to change an approach that has yielded zero wins in their last eight games, Davey Boy is drilling some proper solidity into his Real Sociedad team, eating crisps in the stands, and winning over his new fanbase. You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.

Nicolas Cage And John Travolta In 'Face/Off'

Liverpool

Ideal signing: The doctor from Face/Off.

Look, the grass isn’t always greener. Luis Suárez wiggled his way out of Liverpool for the bright lights of Barcelona. Since then, it hasn’t exactly been going gangbusters for the Uruguayan. By now, he surely realizes that it was more fun being the main man at Anfield than it is being Leo Messi’s other wingman.

A traditional transfer would be way too embarrassing for everyone involved, and Liverpool already blew that money on … something, so the only logical solution is full cosmetic face swap surgery with Rickie Lambert, like in the 1997 cult classic.

For the record, Suárez is obviously the Nicolas Cage character in this scenario. You’re welcome, Brendan.

Manchester City

Ideal signing: The LA Galaxy.

With Frank Lampard suffering a recent injury, Fernando suffering a recent spell of “being a crap player,” and Yaya Touré away at the African Cup of Nations, City are light in midfield. James Milner is out of contract in the summer, and looks unlikely to renew.

City has already embarrassed Major League Soccer once this season during the Lampard debacle, so why not return to the well? Buying the LA Galaxy would give City the ability to “loan” Steven Gerrard but to the Premier League. City would shore up their midfield depth, and Gerrard would have a realistic chance at finally winning the league. Everybody wins! Except for MLS fans, as usual.

Manchester United

Ideal signing: Literally anyone who can pass the ball out of defense.

More specifically, any defender with an actual brain who is not made of balsa wood. United’s current center backs are all kids, loons, and/or crocks. Any center half who can pass bring the ball into midfield without self-combusting would likely walk into Louis van Gaal’s team.

Tottenham Hotspur v Aston Villa - Premier League

Newcastle United

Ideal signing: Tim Sherwood.

Noted bantersaurus rex and one-time Tottenham Hotspur manager Sherwood would be the perfect fit for the managerial opening at Newcastle. Owner Mike Ashley obviously could not give less of a shit about the team as long as it continues to turn him a profit, and the team is already run in the so-called “continental style” with a head scout (de facto director of football) who is in charge of all recruitment. As such, Tim would largely be left to his own devices. As long as the results aren’t too terrible, he’ll be free to play Papiss Cissé and ‎Ayoze Pérez as holding midfielders, or whatever. Top bantz.

Southampton

Ideal signing: An actual bag of money.

We all know that Morgan Schneiderlin is off in the summer to the highest bidder. As is Sadio Mané, Dušan Tadić, Victor Wanyama, and anyone else, if a decent-sized club wants them. Southampton are a selling club, and they’re currently excelling despite it.

To avoid breaking the hearts of any young, impressionable Saints fans, it would be best to drop the pretense altogether. Just invest in a bag of treasure (probably available on Craigslist?), assign it a squad number, and cash in when the price of gold rises again.

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Stoke

Ideal signing: Bigman McBatteringRam.

Essentially, any big lump of a striker that can replace Bojan Krkić in the team. Recently, Bojan has been tearing it up for Stoke with his creativity, incisiveness, and clever movement – qualities that are the antithesis of what Stoke is known for. As a society, we cannot stand for this. Stoke is meant to play a certain way, and it is never, ever supposed to be enjoyable. Ever. Bojan out. Any big, clumsy fucker in.

West Brom

Ideal signing: A divorce lawyer.

Tony Pulis and West Brom are not going to last. He went there to keep the team in the Premier League, and he will succeed. But that doesn’t mean that this marriage will work out in the long-term.

Pulis is the kind of manager that will help your team get its proverbial shit together. No romance, none of this fantasy bollocks – he just gets the job done. He has never been relegated as a manager, and his sides are invariably hard to beat.

But, god almighty, they are boring. No chairman wants to willfully construct a boring team, hence Crystal Palace’s refusal to give Pulis the control over transfers that he had at Stoke. Things will similarly come to a head at West Brom in due time, so it’s best to start preparing for it now.

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