As you may know, soccer dating is a topic I find particularly funny, and potentially lucrative. Internet dating is as close to mainstream as its ever been, with a variety of options to help you find whatever it is you’re looking for in a prospective soul mate. Why can’t we apply this to soccer?
There’s JDate and Christian Mingle for religiously inclined. Black People Meet and Latino People Meet for folks with a “type,” too afraid to luxuriate in the racial deliciousness of our nation. Farmers Only for people who really aren’t down racial deliciousness, but prefer to say so in coded language, and Tinder, for people who want to pretend that the possibility of sex isn’t the only reason they’re leaving the house that night.
I’ve wanted to create a soccer dating app for some time, but no one believes in me enough to fund my dreams (and do all the work, because I don’t understand technology). Thankfully, the folks at NBC have stepped up to serve our lonely, dateless soccer fanatic community and created the new NBC Sports MatchMaker app.
“A brand new app has been launched by NBC Sports Group, as the MatchMaker app will let you know where you can watch the PL matches via an interactive map, where fans of your team are congregating and it will even set you timely reminder for those early morning wake-up calls.”
Damn, this app sounds sexy. Hey girl … you want to set this banter off right and get drunk off Boddington’s before noon? Come and talk to me.
A full list of features on the NBC Sports MatchMaker app:
– Locate fans in real time on an interactive map
– Find the best bars and restaurants to watch your team as voted by real fans
– Invite friends to watch a game with a match, friend and venue picker
– Group chat with anyone invited to your meet-up
– View match schedules, NBC Sports Group’s telecast schedule, and news and highlights from ProSoccerTalk on NBCSports.com
– Elect to receive push notifications to alert fans of impending kickoffs for their team, breaking BPL news, new chat comments from friends, and exclusive offers for app users
The app allows for group meet-ups for swinging and generally freaky types (do your thing, not trying to judge) and the option to select a “secondary team” to display in your profile. Let everyone know from the jump that you’re not down with commitment, or possibly into polygamy. Why wait?
While this idea seems to be OK in principle, it fails to ask some very important questions I’d need answered before going on a “soccer date:”
- Is my potential partner an American who says “football”? If so, we will never get along or agree on anything. Our world views are diametrically opposed. She’s “uptown;” I’m “downtown.” Her father would hate me. Our relationship would be shattered by irreconcilable differences before we ordered our first craft beer.
- Where does she stand on the promotion-relegation creeping into MLS? I’m firmly in the “don’t really give a shit either way, right now” camp. A partner with a strong opinion in favor of either side would be too much for me. We go out, have a good time, next thing I know, my Twitter mentions are shot to hell with accusations that I don’t believe Americans deserve equal opportunity for freedom or some nonsense. No, thank you.
And what team does my would-be match support?
- Chelsea – Too fancy. I can’t afford you. I’m not here for $300 dates.
- Manchester United – You’re a little older than me, and I’m cool with that, but you’ll never stop correcting my posture.
- Arsenal – Everything in your profile sounds like we’re a match made in heaven, but 85 minutes into our date, you fall apart in a weepy, emotional heap and never recover.
- Manchester City – I am absolutely certain that you’ll leave me as soon as someone better looking comes around.
- Tottenham – You don’t love yourself enough to want real happiness. How could I ever love you?
This is only version 1.0 of NBC Sports MatchMaker, so there’s room for improvement; regardless, I’ve never been more hopeful about my romantic future. If this takes off, I’m heading out to the streets to swipe my may to happiness. Maybe with a nice Southampton fan. I have a thing for overachievers.