A month ago, we laughed at Cristiano Ronaldo after an interview in which he said his girlfriend, supermodel Irina Shayk, repeatedly stole his underwear. Not one to shy away from a hot take on important news matters, I told you then that both of them were nasty. Her for stealing her man’s draws, him for smiling and thinking it was funny. I don’t care how good looking anyone is, you can’t wear someone else’s underwear. You damn sure can’t talk about it on television. From that day on, I knew this factory-perfect couple was doomed.
“However, it doesn’t matter how pretty your partner is, there is no just cause for shared underwear, even less for stealing it. That’s grounds for divorce in any industrialized nation. “Stole my draws” is a checkbox on termination of marriage paperwork in every United Nations member state.”
Fast forward to today. If you believe random tabloid websites, and who doesn’t, the Shayk-Ronaldo Experience is calling it quits. Irina was nowhere to be found as Cristiano stunted on the whole planet once again and claimed his second consecutive Ballon d’Or. It could explain why he and that unknown Barcelona midfielder* were looking at Puskas Award nominee Stephanie Roche like she was the last shrimp at a Vegas buffet.
Now, Spanish papers are reporting that Shayk has even gone as far as (deep breath) unfollowing Cristiano on Twitter. I can’t even joke about that. That’s real. In 2015, if your girl unfollows you, she may as well throw all your clothes out in the street and tell you she booked the two of you for a Maury appearance.
No word yet if there is any hope for reconciliation or if the two are still connected on LinkedIn.
*Because they are true competitors, Messi will probably divorce his wife tomorrow, just to have one up on ol’ Ronny.