Peeing in public is hard. I assume. I’m not exactly an expert. A typical men’s restroom in the United States is semi-public, at worst, and you never have to perform on command. My moments of performance anxiety have usually been within the friendly confines of Fusion’s appropriately anonymous echo chambers. If I can’t go, I just start whistling the Star Wars theme. Guys get distracted by Star Wars.
World class athletes don’t have such luxuries. Because sports is filled with evil types willing to put any performance booster into their bodies, players often have to pee before, after, or between games – basically, whenever some buzzkill in a white coat is feeling pervy. Nobody can relax after the snap of a latex glove.
So imagine the pressure Ahmad Hayel, a 31-year-old Jordanian striker, felt two days ago after his team lost its first Asian Cup match to Iraq. The man is dealing with disappointment, may very well be exhausted, and he’s handed a cup – a flimsy, see through, “how can this possible hold a real man’s yield” cup.
Hayel wasn’t up to the challenge and had to start chugging fluids, but since the water didn’t have anything to offset the urinary inducements (salts or minerals, for example), he began suffering from water intoxication. Hypothermia and “semi-coma” were among the symptoms, according to the BBC, with Jordanian manager Ray Wilkins describing the situation as “dangerous.” It’s unknown whether Hayel will be ready for Friday’s match against Palestine.
So what did learn here? First, water is bad for you. Only drink soda. Or beer.
Second, always carry some spare pee around with you. Even if a pervy M.D. doesn’t ask for it, it doubles as a nice weapon. And if you’re ever bored in a conversation, just say you have a bag of pee. People will either flee from the nicely dressed homeless man or the conversation will pick up.
And third, peeing on command is terrible. I did it once for a drug test in college and failed. In my anxiety, my body synthesized a bunch of cannabinoids (there was no other explanation). My future with the FBI was ruined, and now you’ve had to read this crappy blog.