Francesco Totti brings Roma back against Lazio then takes a selfie in front of the Curva Sud

Time is a lie! It is a construct of the ruling class developed to repress the masses. Or, it’s a flat circle. I’m still not sure what that means, or how time actually works. Thankfully, neither does Roma’s human tribute statue, Francesco Totti. On Turn Back the Clock Night at the Derby della Capitale, a youthful Totti lead Roma to a 2-2 comeback draw against rival Lazio.

There was something refreshing about seeing Totti play the second half thinking more about goals for himself rather than assisting other people. It was as though, down 2-0, he looked around at his Roma teammates, pounded a beer and said, “Fuck it, I’ll do it myself”. He probably played a semi-acoustic guitar solo smoking a Marlboro Red and sent an insulting text to Pirlo on his way back onto the field.

His first goal was a beautiful illustration of old guy economy. The 38-year-old was positioned perfectly and only required a slightly labored jog to beat Lazio’s Stafan Radu, who left Totti unmarked, as if the name was unfamiliar to him.

It was like watching your uncle dance at a wedding. You weren’t sure he still had it in him, but there he was, owning the dancefloor to Kool and the Gang. You knew you had to pay attention to what he was up to.

Totti’s second goal began similarly to his opener, but the finish was “Oh, shit,” text a friend good. It’s slightly disarming to see Totti in mismatched shoes, but he managed to get those Tic-Tac feet off the ground for a great side-volley to preserve a home point for Roma, who had hoped to jump Juventus atop Serie A today.

Totti must have been as impressed with his goal as we were. He didn’t quite text a friend, but he did head over to the Curva Sud, grab a cellphone and take a selfie.

There’s a pretty strong chance that he forgot to switch to the forward-facing camera, but that’s OK. He’s Francesco Totti. It’s not his fault, the phone was wrong.