Lionel Messi’s vacation photo is completely oblivious of his war with Cristiano Ronaldo

Leo, man, this is why Cristiano’s overtaken you. This is why you need to up your game. One week ago, your rival “sports lobsters” this ridiculous Christmas card from just offshore in Dubai …

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… and this is your response?

Disfrutando los últimos días .😉😉

A photo posted by Leo Messi (@leomessi) on

Sure, superficially you’re the same: both chilled out on your vacations, basking in the sunshine at pools next to large bodies of water. Because who hasn’t looked at an ocean, or a river, and thought: Hmm, this water needs more water!

But then we look at your body, Leo: Are those mosquito bites on your right arm? You should have those checked out. Not casual. Not classy, at all. Meanwhile, Cristiano’s arm is lazily, casually positioned on his celebrated crotch, subliminally marketing his underwear line. A good salesman is always working.

Then we compare backgrounds. Ronaldo: speedboats and the stunning cityscape of Dubai. This is C.R.E.A.M. 101. It screams “glamorous millionaires’ playground.” Of course Cristiano is here. These are his people; this is his place. He’s enclosed by glass on his boat, protected from public interaction, in his own floating Popemobile. And there’s nothing at all surprising about it.

Messi? A kind of barge and what appears to be a lawnmower being used as a pool cleaner. This whole shoot was a rush job.

Not to mention Ronaldo got his image out first. Which of your handlers forgot to sign up for that Sports Lobster account? That’s the person whose New Year’s Resolution just became “find a new job.”

I mean, your thing is nice enough. It looks like you’re having fun; but this isn’t the imagery you take into a marketing battle. This time next year you should be on a private island, being fed caviar by Miss Universe while an Olympic synchronized swimming team performs a specially-composed routine in an infinity pool filled with water from Mars. If you’re really going to close the gap with Ronaldo, you’re going to have to be far more ridiculous.