Release the bald eagles! Gedion Zelalem is becoming a citizen, baby!

“Got him.”

People scoffed at Obama’s immigration reform policy, but where are those haters today?!? Nowhere, because …


Let the heavens be praised, Gedion Zelalem is coming home! According to the Washington Post, the 17-year-old Ethiopian-German-American Arsenal product is now a U.S. citizen and intends to commit his future to German-Narnian-American coach Jurgen Klinsmann and the U.S. national team.

USA! U! S! A!

It may be late December, but it’s time to grab some steaks and light them grills. Throw on your best Brek Shea tank top, toss a few cans of Old Milwaukee in the air and shoot ’em. Shoot them with all the semi-automatic freedom that made this possible, because we did it! GEDION FUCKING ZELALEM!

World Cup Fans Gather To Watch Matches In Rio

HEEEEELLLLLLLLL yeaeeeeeeaaaaaaaah!

Go make that new American baby today. Celebrate! Do your patriotic, carnal duty! Don’t even wait for tonight. Leave work immediately. Grab your exotic, multi-ethnic partner and conceive that baby in an American Apparel fitting room. Leave that fucking curtain open and let the whole store watch. Make George Washington proud!

Nine months from now, start raising that baby in a country on the road to soccer nirvana. Bring him — or her, the women’s team is struggling — back in 15-17 years. Your soccer love child will lead the revolution! Don’t apologize for nothin’!

¡Si Se Puede! ¡Si Se Puede! ¡Si Se Puede! ¡Si Se Puede!

Clearly, this is a big day for American soccer. With Gedion Zelalam in our ranks, the U.S. is sure to reach unprecedented heights during the 2018 and 2022 World Cup cycles. Zelalem will add so much to the squad, with his …

Because he brings some much needed …

Well, Gedion is definitely different from what we already have because, like …

I mean …

Um …

So I don’t know what Gedion Zelalem brings to the table. No one does. Even Julian Green is confused by the hype. All we know is that a kid that had some options has chosen the United *fireworks* States *eagle screech* of America *midwestern tornado siren*.

That means we’re as pretty as everyone else at the prom, and someone wants to dance. Better us then them: That’s what really matters. Validation, baby!