Zlatan Ibrahimović shoots moose, angers confused Swedish animal rights activists

Swedish animal rights groups have spoken out against Zlatan Ibrahimović for shooting a moose on a recent hunting trip, as if they can’t comprehend how a 5,000-year-old demigod from another planet may not be bound by modern humanity’s trivial notions of what’s right and wrong.

Speaking out against Zlatan should be a criminal offense. But it’s particularly egregious when Swedes speak out against Zlatan, as the act also shows a shocking lack of perspective and respect. His jersey sales are the second largest contributor to Sweden’s gross domestic product — second only to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo DVD sales.

But for some, Zlatan’s economic and spiritual contributions aren’t good enough:

“It is always problematic when famous people do things like that, because then it looks like they support this type of activities.”

Assuming this quote from Sweden’s Animal Rights Union’s Camilla Björkbom was translated correctly by The Guardian, there seems to be some confusion about Zlatan’s actions. Shooting a moose does a lot more than “look like” support of moose hunting. It’s about as clear of a confirmation of Zlatan’s moose-shooting stance as he can provide.

The misunderstandings don’t end there. Björkbom also doesn’t seem to understand that, while appearing to stand up as an animal rights activist, she’s actually being quite disrespectful to the moose. It’s an honor to be shot by Zlatan. In much the same way every keeper Zlatan has scored on keeps a framed photo of the goal(s), the moose’s family probably built a shrine, deep in the serene Swedish woodlands, to commemorate the occasion.

According to Swedish papers, Zlatan took down the mighty beast — which could have weighed upwards of 500kg — with a single shot to the heart. There is no mention of whether Zlatan took the shot with his right or left foot. As he is an honorable man, it’s probably safe to assume he shot with his left, although we all know Zlatan has no wrong foot.

An accurate shot from Zlatan is the most beautiful death. This moose’s name will be sung by birds for generations. His hide will warm the offspring of the greatest striker of this or any other generation. His horns will hang on the wall above the pool table of a genius. Live on in the eternal hereafter, blessed moose.