1. While you and I and every person tethered to the reality of the western world is trying to make the best of their familial obligations, Cristiano Ronaldo, conclusively not tethered to the reality of the Western world, is on a yacht in Dubai. This is not what December’s supposed to look like.
2. Not only is he on a yacht, but there’s almost nobody around. It’s as if he’s bought the boat, his own space in the ocean, and is enjoying it with the cool comfort of a man who knows security guards are aiming shoulder-mounted rockets at the boat in the background. The smile? It’s the same one we’d see if we lifted Hannibal’s mask.
The frame after this is a contrail bolting from the top of the screen toward the boat, moments before Miami Vice extras safely leap into the water.
3. This man isn’t even using Twitter anymore. While you and I are complaining about manual retweets (just don’t), Darren Rovell (just never), and Twitter yawning about harassment concerns, Ronaldo’s found a virtual country club.
What is Sports Lobster? Why lobster? Are you just that big that it couldn’t be Sports Halibut? Halibut is a perfectly respectable dish, but I guess world titles have that effect on a man. Ronaldo has to own a 50.1 percent stake in the company. Nobody else posts to this site.
Only athletes, named after luxury proteins? This is some real passive aggressive shit.
4. Irina Shayk could be in the background while Ronaldo uses $200 chamois to buff the Club World Cup and the most amazing part of this picture would still be …
Wouldn’t be better if it were filled with Cristal. That stuff sticks.
5. Also, Ronaldo seems to be a nice guy who works hard and gets paid a ridiculous amount of money while playing for the biggest club in the world. You can’t see that in the picture, but that’s another way his life is pretty damn ridiculous.