Olivier Giroud weaponized his beauty against QPR

Arsenal’s Olivier Giroud is generally thought of as an attractive man. Of course, he isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s why there are so many types of tea in markets. Variety makes the heart grow fonder.

For many, including Giroud himself, he’s adorable, but while the life of the adorable does have benefits, a world of beauty and ceiling mirrors can take its toll. Staring into your own eyes can lead to delusions about what others expect of you and, ultimately, what is good for you.

Today, Giroud (née French Jesus) finally had to look himself in the mirror for who he really is: Someone whose beauty almost cost his team points. After a blistering first stanza with loads of possession and a goal gifted by Queens Park Rangers, Arsenal started the second half purring. That was until French Jesus, concerned by what he deemed to be a foul by QPR’s Nedum Onuoha, took matters into his own face, bringing his handsome mug and well-manicured hair right into Onuha’s personal space.

That moment of vanity was all that was needed for Onuha to accept French Jesus’s invitation and fall to the ground. Whether Onuoha was mesmerized by Giroud’s beauty or rendered dizzy by the overwhelming scent of French Jesus cologne is irrelevant. The fall would led to a straight red card and the sad demise of French Jesus.

There would be no immediate re-birth for French Jesus. Only a rude grab of the neck by the perpetually slowing Rio Ferdinand …

… a disappointing look by Wenger …

… and added stress for Arsenal fans. The 10-man Gunners went on to take a 2-0 lead, with Tomas Rosicky insurance adding to Alexis Sanchez’s first half header. But a late penalty from QPR’s Charlie Austin made the game tighter than anyone ever expected (or as tight as everyone expected) in the closing minutes.

Giroud he’ll have some time to think, but his face needs to be reigned in before it ruins Arsenal’s season. Word on the street is that French Jesus will be resurrected return after three games. In the meantime, he should be kept away from mirrors. Just keep this in mind if run into French Jesus in a bathroom or hotel.

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