Lionel Messi’s new tattoo is terrible

Look at this and try to defend your opinion that Lionel Messi is the best player in the world. In a shirt he’s being paid to wear, possibly in some Paco Jeans shorts he’s been holding on to for a decade and with a tattoo you wouldn’t want as a temporary from a gumball machine.

Kids look up to this man. Cristiano Ronaldo would never allow himself to be seen like this. Zlatan’s tattoos were designed by artists from different civilizations he’s saved from extinction. Messi’s out here with a scratch-and-sniff soccer ball on his shin.

We need to help Leo out. He needs footballer lifestyle tips. If he’s going to wear Systeme Tchakap, he should at least match it with these lion-all-on-my-crotch sweatpants. And get the man a hat. Two sizes too big, with the sticker still on the inside of the brim so you know it’s fresh. Faux-alligator skin if available. Leather if he’s trying to be low-key. Most importantly, someone needs to tell Leo to ditch that look of constant bewilderment. He always looks like someone just explained to him that caterpillars turn into butterflies and it’s completely upended his worldview.

The best player in the world can’t have a tattoo that he pointed to on the wall. Messi needs Bible verses, his kids names, the names of an ex-lover covered by the grim reaper holding a banner that says “Love is for the weak” — something as classy as it is strong. “Warm Milk” Messi is a good player if you’re into all-time scoring records or whatever, but he still has work to do before he can be considered a legend.