According to well-placed sources throughout greater Manchester, United boss Louis van Gaal has hired a fancy chef (possibly Belgian, or Raekwon) to fix the lives of Luke Shaw and Adnan Januzaj through the power of proper cooking. Obviously, this is important news, not just because players’ ability to cook can swing the Premier League, but because The Sun reported the story with quotes from an unnamed source.
“Some of our players – including first team regulars like Luke Shaw and Adnan Januzaj – are in their teens and some haven’t learned how to cook, so we send a chef to give their fridges the once-over. The chef explains what needs throwing out, what’s healthy and what’s not. Then they re-stock the fridge and work on some healthy recipes.”
“Most have £30,000 designer kitchens which wouldn’t be out of place in Michelin-starred restaurants but some can barely use a microwave let alone an oven.”
It’s surprising van Gaal would delegate the responsibility of guiding Shaw and Januzaj to an outside chef. Any aspect of his player’s lives, he has to see himself as an expert. So he knows the difference between yams and sweet potatoes. He already knows what the kale of 2015 will be, and he has at least a dozen recipes that call for it.
Van Gaal can spin this however he likes, but bringing in a chef for specific players means one of two things: 1.) van Gaal thinks Januzaj and Shaw are fat and they need to spend more time living that wholesome brown rice and veggie life, or 2.) they both came to him seeking romantic advice, and he hit them with some Steve Harvey sage wisdom and told them to learn how to cook to impress their respective love interests. Louis van Gaal is also a dating genius.