Emile Ivanhoe Heskey signs for Bolton, presumably to create more vines of awful misses

Emile Heskey signed for Championship side Bolton Wanderers on a “short-term deal,” which probably means until they take him out back and shoot him.

Heskey, 36, joins spring chicken Eidur Gudjohnsen, also 36, in a Bolton frontline made of nostalgia and bad finishing. Back in the day, Heskey was an England international and played for Liverpool and a bunch of other mid-level Premier League teams. He’s spent the last two years at the Newcastle Jets, which is a team in Australia and not a farm team of Newcastle United.

Luckily, his crisp finishing ability has remained intact.

Oh, and Heskey’s middle name is Ivanhoe. Sorry to bury the lede like that.


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