Emile Ivanhoe Heskey signs for Bolton, presumably to create more vines of awful misses

Emile Heskey signed for Championship side Bolton Wanderers on a “short-term deal,” which probably means until they take him out back and shoot him.

Heskey, 36, joins spring chicken Eidur Gudjohnsen, also 36, in a Bolton frontline made of nostalgia and bad finishing. Back in the day, Heskey was an England international and played for Liverpool and a bunch of other mid-level Premier League teams. He’s spent the last two years at the Newcastle Jets, which is a team in Australia and not a farm team of Newcastle United.

Luckily, his crisp finishing ability has remained intact.

Oh, and Heskey’s middle name is Ivanhoe. Sorry to bury the lede like that.

FIND FUSION

Here’s where you can catch us on TV:

You can also find us on Amazon Fire TV & Stick, Apple TV, Roku, Chromecast, iPhone, iPad, Android Mobile, Android Tablets, Android TV (e.g. Sony Smart TV), PlayStation Vue, Sling TV, Tubi TV, and Flipps.

Want to know what’s on right now? Head over to our show lineup page.

WHERE TO WATCH