Roque Santa Cruz is joining Cruz Azul so we made a Cruz XI

While you were opening yet another present only to find mild disappointment inside, becoming increasingly aware that nothing will never make you has happy as wrapped gifts did as a child, Roque Santa Cruz moved closer to joining Cruz Azul. This is fun because both the player and team have Cruz in their names. If that’s not more happy-inducing than a new toothbrush and a pack of socks, boy, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, here’s our all-time Cruz XI. Enjoy. (N.B. You will most likely not enjoy.)

Goalkeeper

Lauro Junior Batista da Cruz – Lauro is a goalkeeper who plays for Portuguesa starting next year. According to Wikipedia, he didn’t make any appearances last season. I don’t know anything else about him; I found him by Googling to complete this list.

Defense

Thomas Cruise – Not that one. This 23-year-old left back former Arsenal youther is way more famous than his lower-leagues abilities thanks to his name.

Cruz Beckham – Apparently Cruz, Beckham’s third son, wants to go into acting, but what does he know? He’s only nine. Still plenty of time to follow his father (and older brother) by kicking soccerballs. He’s already got a nice turn of pace.

Sidenote: According to, again, Wikipedia, cruz means ‘cross’ in Spanish, a language I don’t know. One assumes this team would be all about width and headers.

Ulises de la Cruz – This dude played a whole slew of times for Ecuador, as well as for Aston Villa, Reading, and Birmingham. He started doing charity work as a player, and has since gone into politics, so that’s nice.

Midfield

Anthony Kroos – Toni Kroos won the last two Club World Cups and also the last non-club World Cup. He’s very good at soccering, as well as having a sharp jawline. Honestly, his jawline abilities might be his most underrated trait. It’s his second sexiest, after how cleanly he hits left-footed shots from outside the box.

Shirley Cruz Traña – Traña plays for Paris Saint-Germain. Before that, she played for Lyon and won the Division 1 Feminine like six times in a row and the Champions League back to back. She’s from Costa Rica and her name is Shirley, which is weird and makes me want to ask her how that happened. Are there many Shirleys in Costa Rica? We may never know.

Danny Cruz – Danny Cruz’s middle names are “Arthur Quimoy.” How many times better at soccer would he be if he went by Quimoy Cruz? Probably three, at least. Anyhow, the 24-year-old has already bounced around MLS a bit. He’s got a touching story with his father, if you’re into father-son stories, which I am, because I’m a human with emotions.

Luis Cruz – This mofo is dead. He played for Uruguay in the 1954 World Cup. Twenty years later, incredibly, he played in a World Cup qualifier. And now he’s dead.

Attack

Julio Cruz – Julio Cruz won a whole bunch at Inter despite pretty much never playing. He was always stuck behind guys like Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Hernan Crespo, Adriano, Mario Balotelli. Him and Alvaro Recoba were two of the best strikers in the world, stuck on the bench, only getting cameo appearances to make devastating contributions, then shuffle back off to the bench. I liked him a whole lot.

Roque Santa Cruz – It seems like Santa Cruz has been Paraguay’s best player for about my whole life, first as a precocious teenager at Bayern Munich, then a neglected reserve at Bayern Munich, then as a dude who impressed the Premier League at Blackburn, and later as a steady all-around striker at Malaga who never fulfilled his potential. After he leaves Cruz Azul, he will retire in Santa Cruz, Calif. and start a cruise line dressed as Santa Claus.

Max Kruse – I don’t know, he’s a German international (though he didn’t make the World Cup squad) and scores a moderate amount in the Bundesliga. Oh, and he was in the World Series of Poker. That seemed enough to make this XI.

Coach

José Guadalupe Cruz – Look, can you think of any other Cruz managers? This one’s at Puebla, so presumably he would adjust well enough to an all-Cruz team on Cruz Azul since he’s already familiar with the league and all. I’m just assuming that’s the team they’d play for. I guess we never established that.

Substitutes

Rinaldo Cruzado
Daniel Cruz

Hector Cruz
Robbie Kruse

Clearly, any team facing this one is cruising for a bruising.

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