Sergio Ramos confirms Real Madrid is God’s team, will probably get excommunicated

Yesterday, Sergio Ramos told us that Real Madrid is God’s team. He shared his thoughts in a pre-match press conference for today’s FIFA Club World Cup final. There isn’t much ambiguity there. Sergio Ramos believes that he plays for a club with a divine right to rule. Fair enough. But how would God respond to Ramos’s arrogant, possibly blasphemous comments. Do people still get smited? Smote? What’s the past tense of smite, anyway? Smooted? Smootened? It certainly isn’t smitten.

Anyway, we now have some answers, not about tenses of “smite,” but about God’s feelings about Real Madrid. Real Madrid is officially the greatest team on the planet. That was confirmed today in Marrakech, where the European champions put South American champions San Lorenzo to the proverbial sword. That sword came in the shape of Sergio Ramos’s head.

Another goal from Gareth Bale — the Welsh man with Spanish hair — sealed the fate of Pope Francis’s San Lorenzo. It was a dominant 2-0 performance from Madrid, as San Lorenzo really only made the eventual champions sweat a few beads, collectively, in the second half on two or three occasions. If God works in mysterious ways, God took today off, because there was nothing mystifying about the beating the Pope’s team took tonight.

If Madrid’s performance on the day didn’t make it clear that Sergio Ramos and God frequently WhatsApp, Ramos won the FIFA Club World Cup Golden Ball, awarded to the tournament’s best player. He is the first defender to win the award since the tournament began. It turns out Ramos may have understated things. If Real Madrid is God’s team, Sergio Ramos may be God’s favorite player. Don’t blame me; I’m just the messenger.

But it probably won’t be all victories and smiles going forward for the Golden Ball winner. Ramos, who is a devout Catholic, must have made the Pope sad, even though Francis probably would never admit it, humble man that he is. But there are rumors that the Madrid defender can expect to get an excommunication email from Frank’s office next week. The subject line will read: “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE WON A PRIZE!” Ramos will open the email, because he always opens email that are sent from “Mr. Pope Francis.” The email will read: “You’re out. Pack your baggage and get out. You’ve been excommunicated.” There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

But until then, live it up, Sergio. You deserve it. Tell the boss we’ll see him over the holidays.

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