Can the home of David Ortiz and Pablo Sandoval nurse Daniel Sturridge back to health?

Twenty-five-year-old Liverpool striker Daniel Sturridge has not had a very pleasant end to 2014. Thanks to repeated thigh and calf injuries, the promising and popular forward has only made three appearances for the Reds this season, tallying a single goal.

Following last season’s 24-goal (in all appearances) form, Sturridge was quickly becoming a star, with personality and flair that earned him the No. 5 spot in our list of the most intriguing players. Now, I’ve ekilled him in a Liverpool edition of MFK. It wasn’t supposed to be this way!

To illustrate just how desperate things have gotten, Sturridge has resorted to coming to the soccer outpost of America to find peace and healing. Not just anywhere, but the home of colonial rabble-rousing, Boston. You’d think maybe Sturridge is in town because the New England Revolution have some renown “physic,” but no. Daniel is seeking help from that paragon of fitness and athleticism, home of the finest slow jogging mouth-breathers in the sports world, the Boston Red Sox.

For this to make any sense, remember that Liverpool and the Red Sox share ownership. Maybe this is a “go live with your father” situation where Liverpool are just sick of looking at Sturridge limp around. It’s killing what little buzz their season has left.

Boston Red Sox v New York Yankees

Consider that these two, above, are icons of successful, modern-era Red Sox baseball. One of them was definitely taking performance-enhancing drugs, while everyone assumes the other was. Maybe “steroids” is slang for “Boston cream” in Massachusetts.

San Francisco Giants v New York Mets

This is Pablo “Kung-Fu Panda” Sandoval (I didn’t make that nickname up), the Red Sox’s newest signing. This man has been a given $100 million athletic contract.

I don’t want to be “that guy,” — the defensive soccer fan that insults other sports because kids made fun of his Lotto gear in high school — but what in the hell do the Boston Red Sox know about fitness? Liverpool fans should be worried that Daniel Sturridge is coming back from the States with a ridiculous accent and an extra 50 pounds. That can’t be good for his knees.


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