Richard Farley and Kevin Brown are not only editors at SoccerGods.com, but they are professional Marry, Fuck, Kill players whose years of training have prepared them for this post. Do not MFK without consulting a physician, and if your MFKs last longer than six hours …
Richard: Kevin, we have a reader request; at least, the Premier League MFK we did last week seems to have ignited some passions. So let’s give the people (or, person) what they want. Start this new editorial crutch with a Liverpool-themed Marry, Fuck, Kill, sir – in honor of this weekend’s North West Derby: Mario Balotelli, Raheem Sterling, Daniel Sturridge?
Kevin: I just want to state publicly that I find this whole this whole concept to be deeply disturbing. What has a website ever gained by bowing to the whims of its reader base? Slippery slope, Richard. Slippery slope.
Can’t we just offer one of these dudes a firm handshake and an “atta boy”? Maybe the old Carlton Banks wink-and-the-gun?
Richard: We’ve offered oven mits, dog bowls, and stuffed animals on the show. Now, we’re offing choose your own content. I don’t see what’s wrong with this.
Kevin: Fair enough. The bad precedent has been set. Several of Pandora’s boxes are open.
Well…if someone has to die, it’s unfortunately Daniel Sturridge. Love the guy — he’s the player in England I most want to see succeed — but it’s hard to believe that he’ll ever be healthy enough to reach his potential. He could soccer die at anytime now.
I’ll approach the “Fuck” part of this as a sort of rental proposition. That’s Mario. No one knows how Balotelli’s career will pan out, or where. He could become a Liverpool legend, or be coming off the bench for the Colorado Rapids in three years. He’s risky. There’s going to be fun, but I’m smart enough to know it isn’t going anywhere.
Richard: So Mario Balotelli is England’s Danny Mwanga? I don’t know what to do with that.
Kevin: I guess Raheem gets the ring. Sterling is bound for greatness, provided he gets the hell out of England. The Premier League is where creativity goes to die. I care about Raheem’s future and, as a fan, I want to be a part of it. He gets the “Marry,” with the provision that relocation is on the table.
Richard: You took this far more seriously than I anticipated. I’d have probably F’d Sterling, M’d Sturridged, and killed Mario, but we can get into that later. It was your trio, not mine, though we may actually get a post out of this yet. Let me think of another …
Kevin: Journalism, yo.
Going to get high-brow and conceptual here. FMK: Philippe Coutinho’s past, Simon Mignolet’s present or Steven Gerrard’s future
Richard: The Fusion organizational chart says I’m entitled to my response. Besides, I’m thinking of another group for you.
Kevin: I knew this whole concept was a set-up top embarass me publicly. Good leaders stand on the front lines, Farley. The troops need to know that you see them as equals. Willing to look like an ass on the internet for the sake of clicks.
Richard: Hmmm … equality, huh? Okay …
Certainly kill Steven Gerrard’s future, mostly because it’s probably not that different from its present – the dead horse of all takes in the soccer banter zone. Fucking or marrying it would only be legal in a few states, and I don’t feel like driving north.
I’d marry Simon Mignolet’s present. I always enjoy a good fixer-upper. He’s the girlfriend I was convinced is a high-upside challenge, when he’s actually irredeemable. I’ve come to accept I need to play the social hero.
That leaves fucking Coutinho’s past, which also plays into my need for a good reclamation project. Not gonna lie: Even thinking back to the Inter version of Coutinho gets me a little turned on. Within the concept of this game, at least.
Kevin: You sat down with a notepad an sketched that response out, didn’t you?
Richard: It was the whole reason I made us do this.