Yesterday, Neymar, a.k.a. Young Tax Fraud, crashed the Zlatan versus Messi Champions League party with one of the nicest goals of the group stage. To prove that irony is a never ending circular serpent consuming its own tail, he celebrated by simulating simulation and mimicked a dive. Diving being a skill he received a 92 for in FIFA 15, his form was flawless.
This weekend Cristiano
Phelps Ronaldo splashed down with an aquatic ballet of his own, the likes of which we haven’t seen from him in some time. He received his share of abuse for it. It was like we had forgotten who he was.
The world (the internet) speculated that Neymar’s dive gesture yesterday was him trying to box with the Dive God. Super-famous athletes — especially young ones who still give a shit about image — are often passive-aggressive, so Neymar denied that he had Ronaldo on his mind. He said it was a message to a friend he had a bet with. If he scored a goal his friend would have to take jump into a cold pool. He uploaded this video to Instagram as evidence.
Kids, don’t drag your friends into situations where they’re risking their health to help you back out of public statements. Personally, I think we’re all better off if Neymar and Ronaldo start taking shots at each other. Feuds between generally soft people are always funny. Add the King-in-his-prime vs. Young Prince dynamic, and this has all the comedy potential of a Usher vs. Chris Brown dance battle. We all win.
Hopefully, Cristiano is some lavish media room in his mansion, watching that vine on repeat, swirling room-temperature brandy, plotting revenge – wondering what he’s done that lets these youngins think they can come after him.