There’s Nas vs. Jay Z, Azealia Banks vs. Iggy Azalea, Azealia Banks vs. Kreayshawn, Azealia Banks vs. T.I., Azealia Banks vs. Lil Kim, etc. Beef is constantly around us. But now, it’s a little closer to home, because it has been going down on the 2014 MLS Cup final streets and we may have to write our elected officials before things get out of control.
New England Revolution mascot Slyde the Fox and LA Galaxy mascot Cozmo have been going at it like there’s turf at stake and family honor to protect ahead of today’s final MLS game at the Stub Hub Center in Carson, CA.
But make no mistake, these aren’t just cuddly old mascots who high-five children. The days of those mascots are over. Mascots today mean business and, word on the street is, they also “handle their business.” Slyde certainly has the “Don’t f*** with me” look. But part of that is because he’s so busy collecting money and threatening people that he hasn’t been dry cleaned in a few seasons.
These aren’t really things I’d recommend saying to Slyde’s face because, in typical Boston style, he isn’t afraid to prematurely recruit friends to start talking trash from a distance, from the relative safety of a dugout, for instance.
Slyde, unbeknownst to many, also has a criminal past and still struggles with impulses.
But ultimately, both Slyde and Cozmo have been after the same thing all year: silverware. And I’m a little scared about what they may try, out of desperation, to get their hands on it. Even after the final whistle.
Cozmo also has a checkered past, despite what you may have heard on the streets about Cozmo’s work in the community. Violence, drug use, theft, and war crimes are all reportedly on Cozmo’s resume. It’s not a good look for an alien.
Also note Cozmo comfortably rubbing elbows with Irish fighter Jason Quigley in the featured image. Considering Cozmo is already affiliated with Robbie Keane, a man with a history of disrespecting goalkeepers, we suspect treachery might be afoot.
Like Slyde, Cozmo’s alien prints are all over anything that isn’t nailed down.
Furthermore, Cosmo is a vandal.
Hangs out with miscreants.
Drinks on the job.
Acts like this in public after drinking on the job.
And has fake teeth, which he probably stole from someone.
Cumulatively, these profiles outline characters not to be trusted.
Although they’ll be all smiles and high-fives during MLS Cup final weekend, behind the scenes, Slyde and Cozmo are the characters who will be responsible for crime rate going up and any Oceans 11-type heists that take place during the game. Don’t continue to be hoodwinked by their furriness. Keep your eyes open and don’t become a casualty. Not all feuds end as amicably as the Nas vs. Jay Z beef, with paychecks, radio play, and media coverage. Some end in carnage. The mascot life is real. Get away while you still can. There’s a reason you don’t see too many old mascots walking the streets.