Lionel Messi hat trick drags Barcelona past Espanyol, reminding us he needs his own sitcom

Oh no, Barcelona are going to lose to Espanyol!

Yeah, no.

After going down 1-0 to Espanyol, Barcelona put five goals past Espanyol fans’ hopes and dreams, successfully trolling everyone again. Oh my God, that was so hard! We had to scrap for every point and almost break a sweat. Espanyol were compact, disciplined, and made us work for blah blah blah blahzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsnkfa;sasg;. That’s Barcelona, basically.

But let’s just get down to business. No need to act like we came here to watch Gerard Pique succeed or Luis Suarez behave appropriately. We came to see the Messi perform. And the Messi didn’t disappoint, unless you’re someone bored to death about writing about the Argentine scoring goal after goal after goal after goal, week after week after week after week.

There was this one. Someone, somewhere probably said, “You just can’t get beat at the near post!” Yawn.

And this one. Meh.

Are you asleep yet? Well this one should do it.

I’m praying for a Messi goal drought so Cristiano Ronaldo can assume the GREATEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD EVER title all for himself and move on to focus on more important things, like developing a sitcom where he and Messi share a studio apartment and try to help each other make it through law school, after which they’ll each have a friend accused of murder and walk away from lucrative careers as attorneys to become private investigators in their respective home towns. Their families don’t understand but support their decisions to follow their hearts. You’ll laugh, cry, get angry — the sitcom will essentially allows you to experience the feeling rainbow and continue to watch Cristiano pretend that he’s really not all that competitive with Messi, even as he attempts to finish his murder investigations first.

This isn’t about being anti-Messi. For all I care, Cristiano can have the goal drought and they can swap roles. They both deserve their own churches. This is about trying to find the most entertaining outcomes so the most people can derive the most enjoyment possible. This isn’t about them; it’s about us. It’s about allowing the pair to reach peak creativity for our enjoyment. They can’t play forever, you know.

But until that point, until Messi and Ronaldo stop spending weekends playing dueling hat-tricks, we’ll have to do our best to endure the suffering by pretending we aren’t remotely impressed by these wizards making opponents look as sad as Twitter before Jaden Smith joined.

But for now, you might as well go back and watch Messi’s first goal again. And again. And again. And again.

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