Zlatan Ibrahimović doesn’t have to wait to score before celebrating

Somehow, Zlatan Ibrahimović continues to find ways to prove that the people of his home planet are superior to the weaklings that occupy this one. “The God” (Da Gawd?) scored twice for Paris Saint-Germain in their 2-1 win over Nantes. Just another day at the office.

This is wonderful because of the seamless transition from shot, to slide, to celebration. In this new world of metrics and efficiency statistics, no one has developed a way to boil that sort of skill down to numbers. This requires a multi-angle investigation.

Did Zlatan go into a celebration before the ball went into the net? Did he know he was falling and say, “Screw it, may as well score a goal and retain some dignity?” Was this a deliberately singular move that he planned out from the beginning of his run, or possibly weeks in advance? Who are we, as mortals, to ask such questions?

The Slidebration may not have been his best goal of the day. Later, he would bag his second from a free kick from the same spot that Alejandro Bedoya scorched earlier. There may have been a deflection, but if there was, it was deliberate, as Zlatan is a master of physics and that was the only way to achieve the angle he needed. He is capable of experiencing time as a physical dimension.

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