BREAKING: Joe Cole is alive, possibly

Incredible stories from the Premier League are coming across the newswire. In a series of unconfirmed reports, there are suggestions that Aston Villa’s goal in its 1-1 draw with Burnley was actually scored by Joe Cole.

This comes as a shock, as it was believed that Joe Cole retired from soccer to become a Franciscan monk in Switzerland some time in 2010, though noted internet research agency Wikipedia suggests that Cole has made over 90 appearances since that time. It also states that 34 of those appearances happened in France, with Lille, which is ridiculous, as no English player has ever featured outside the United Kingdom. These findings are dubious at best.

If this was, in fact, the work of a functional, running Joe Cole, it’s sure to send shock waves through the transfer markets of the United States, Australia, and the United Arab Emirates.