Robin van Persie supremely confident in his confidence despite your lack of confidence

Player confidence is in the news again today. This time, the man with the sickness is Manchester United’s Robin van Persie.

Something happens when more than 10 people make a similar observation about a player’s mental state. Once that player confidence card is dealt more than nine times, all you will hear about is that player’s confidence until said player plays out of his or her mind.

This is science, and I’m pretty sure studies exist confirming this phenomenon in serious medical journals that include Tables of Contents and footnotes. For the player, the terrible news is that once that 10-person threshold is met, everything afterwards is sadness, misfortune, and a series of questionable hygiene decisions, because life doesn’t matter anymore. It’s sad, really.

This is the decrepit condition in which we found van Persie, former scorer of goals, when United faced Hull City at Old Trafford today. The Dutchman entered today’s game with just three goals in 11 appearances this season. Van Persie’s broken state made you want to patronizingly pet him on the head, but only with the back of your hand because you use the other side to eat food. His critical condition also required a healthy dose of post-petting hand sanitizer, because you don’t want to expose yourself to “goal drought” for a prolonged period, as studies are inconclusive about whether it can be transmitted from petting.

Van Persie did have a first half assist. That bears mentioning, but is not really important for our purposes.

But beyond a critical mass of voices determining a player’s confidence level, how can we honestly assess confidence levels? And does a player’s frustration with finding it difficult to locate the back of the net necessarily imply a lack of confidence, or are these confidence crises we so often hear about simply a reflection of our confidence in a player? Are you having a confidence crisis?

Fortunately, we don’t have to go through this exercise. Robin van Persie found his confidence and can resume regular showering.

And this concludes the Robin van Persie confidence crisis episode. Tune in later for more crises. They are actually real things.