Seven random solutions to Manchester City’s Champions League troubles

Manchester City enters today’s UEFA Champions League clash with Bayern Munich in a slightly unexpected position, sitting comfortably at the bottom of their group after taking a measly two points from four games. Ahead of City are the Bavarians, who sit on top of the group thanks to a perfect 12 points. With the other teams in the group, Roma and CSKA Moscow, each on 4 points, City could crash out at the group stage for the for the third time in four years if a.) it loses today at home, and b.) either Roma or CSKA walk away from their meeting (also today, but earlier) with a victory.

Clearly, City needs a fix, and we’re not ones to turn a blind eye. Here are a few ways in which Manuel Pellegrini’s men can turn their momentum around:

1. Fire Pellegrini: Manchester City is no stranger to coming out on top of the Premier League. In fact, the Citizens have achieved that so many times recently (two’s enough, right?), their eyes are been firmly fixed on Europe. Thus far, that gaze has been met with more Champions League disappointment.

Everyone knows that when a team struggles, the only sufficient remedy is to create a hashtag on Twitter calling for the ouster of the team manager. City is clearly struggling. Thus, banging #PellegriniOut into Twitter and hitting “Tweet” might be a quick and easy fix to get City out of its Champions League rut.

2. Buy a new team: City has a notoriously fickle side when it comes to investing in players. Since the 2010-2011 season, when they qualified for Champions League for the first time, City has refused to throw the cash around, only bringing in Yaya Touré, David Silva, Mario Balotelli, Edin Džeko, James Milner, Samir Nasri, Sergio Agüero, Gaël Clichy, Matija Nastasić, Stevan Jovetić, Álvaro Negredo, Fernandinho, Jesús Navas, Fernando and Bacary Sagna, among others, spending an embarrassingly small sum of approximately £440 million. City needs to splash the cash and buy new team for Yaya Touré’s birthday.

4. Sell the club: Opening purse strings requires a bit of dexterity and willpower. Clearly, Deputy Prime Minister of the United Arab Emirates, City owner Sheikh Mansour, lacks both the dexterity and willpower to provide that backing, having only invested in everything since acquiring the club in 2009.

City needs an owner who is willing to invest in more than everything. A club with such a proud history deserves nothing less.

5. Buy the UEFA Champions League: Everything has a price.

6. Stage a fan protest: Fan protests, particularly those that utilize scarves, are useful in forcing club management to take a new direction. City fans could direct their energy into boycotting any number of things while wearing scarves. They could boycott losing, refusing to sing songs when their team is losing — while either wearing scarves or holding them over their heads.

7. Don’t be in a group with Bayern Munich: Or Roma. Or CSKA Moscow. Or in previous years, Borussia Dortmund, Real Madrid, Ajax, Napoli, and Villarreal.