Hot take: Bayern Munich is very good at the soccering. Some would say they’re excellent. Through 12 league games it team is undefeated and has only suffered three draws. Having surrendered but three goals — three — its goal difference is a comfortable +28. To put that into context, no other Bundesliga team has scored more than 24 goals yet.
It’s reasonable to believe that Bayern’s roster is filled with a legion of advanced machines sent back from the future to guide present-day humanity to greater heights through their preferred medium of influence: ball-kicking. Even in a difficult Champions League group, Bayern is 4-0-0 with 11 goals scored and only one conceded. It’s playing an entirely different game than everyone else.
Obviously, soccer as we know it cannot contain Bayern Munich. The game itself will have to change. In the interest of fair play — and games that are still interesting to watch after 45 minutes — UEFA may have to step in and change some rules:
Let opponents play with 15 men
Neuer, Götze, Robben, Xabi Alonso, Müller, Lewandowski. When you read the teamsheet before a game and Franck Ribéry is “Oh yeah, that guy,” there’s nothing your pathetic assortment of men can do against such a goliath.
At least, not 11 of them, but if everyone accepts Bayern’s superiority for what it is, there should be no problem allowing opposing teams to play with 15 men in hopes of creating some kind of competitive balance.
With 15 on the field, there might actually be a way to clog all passing lanes to stifle Bayern’s attack. Probably not, because Pep is smarter than any other coach, so he’ll just adjust at halftime and invent an entirely new system in the locker room.
Bright side, you get out with a respectable 3-1 loss. Progress is progress.
Pep Guardiola coaches the opposing team
If you can’t beat him, force him to join you under threat of penalty. Pep Guardiola invented the sport we call “soccer” in a small Seattle café in 1871 (remember: time travel). Embedded deep into the pattern of his trademark plaid shirts are the original rules of the game. When German sunlight hits his bead, it’s reflection gives off the wisdom of the ages. You want to beat Bayern? Ask him how. There’s no other way your club has a chance.
One problem, though, would be asking Pep to beat a Pep system. It’s the ultimate paradox. There are only two possible outcomes: a scoreless draw, or a clash of opposing genius that manifests in physical form in two red orbs that collide at midfield, implode into each other and create a brilliant vacuum that rapidly sucks in all the creative thought in the world, leaving our lives a dull, gray husk of their former selves.
It’s a huge risk for an opponent to consider, but road points are important.
Chain Manuel Neuer to the goal
The midfield grass at Allianz Arena is built over a small bed of iron ore just beneath the earth’s surface. It’s reaction to the metals used in the stadium’s construction gives off a concentrated magnetism that powers Manuel Neuer and allows him to perform superhuman feats as he inexplicably wanders 60 yards away from goal. What our hindered minds perceive as a dangerously drifting goalkeeper is actually a man that represents the next stage of human evolution getting a quick recharge.
Chain Neuer in place at the center of the goal — assuming modern science has developed chain alloys strong enough — and Bayern’s doomed rivals stand a better chance at scoring. Or maybe just don’t let him use his hands. He’ll still have the fewest goals allowed in the Bundesliga, even if Bayern’s goals-against average skyrockets to a stunning two-per-month.
No more direct lines of communication with higher powers
Actually, this is the problem. That glory-hunting Pope. Everyone’s screwed.