Creepin’ on the ‘Gram: New England/United States midfielder Jermaine Jones

Creepin’ on the ‘Gram is a new Soccer Gods feature where we periodically dive into the Instagram crates of various figures in the soccer world … because we have nothing better to do, and that’s actually the purpose of Instagram. Creepin’ is dedicated to the memories all the failed social media projects that came before, as well as to bringing you the best of the best of other people’s fake lives through our own unique Instagram filter. Tell your friends.

New England Revolution and U.S. international midfielder Jermaine Jones has had quite a year. He scored a screamer at the World Cup, won an ESPY, is on the cusp of leading the Revolution to the MLS Cup final, and remains amazing at fouling people. In addition to all the soccering-related activities, he somehow, in between raising five children with his lovely-seeming wife, taking too many pictures with Chris Brown and not upgrading his amazing website, finds time to share his life with his 95,000 Instagram followers.

That works for us.

Because his account isn’t private, we creeped. What we learned may redefine the how we see modern music.

Just stay with on us this one:

1. Jermaine Jones secretly wants to run his fingers through your hair while whispering pretty words into your ear that you only kind of understand. But not in the creepy way you’re thinking. Jermaine’s going to embark on an emo R&B career and, as you can see, the photography for his soon-to-be-released album, “Jermajesty,” has already been completed.

Don’t talk, gurl
Just listen
And pretend like you understand German.

Those are lyrics from his first single. Probably.

2. Spending time with the lyrics is an important part of an emo R&B career. Not just your own lyrics, but Chris Brown lyrics, too. One has to get inspiration from somewhere while sleeping. One also has to use his right arm to take a picture of oneself while pretending to sleep while listening to Chris Brown.

3. As far as album cover art goes, this ain’t it. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t aspects of this effort that can’t be reupholstered into album art and posters for Jermaine’s street team to put up on filthy bathroom walls.

What works? There’s the pose. That’s very emo R&B. There’s the subtle reference to how dope you are. Fingers to the sky. Pictures of you conveniently up there. And there’s the mini school bus in middle of nowhere Massachusetts. A must-have for a debut release.

Sidenote: He can sell his album out of the bus so he can sing about his struggle to “make it” on his follow-up redemption album.

4. Regard Magazine is a leading online fashion magazine, because that’s what it says in its Twitter bio. Whether that’s true or not, all press is good press when you’re about to release an album. And when you can get yourself photographed in a large burlap chair wearing a hot fire suit, while pulling off the half-relaxed, half-sexy emo R&B pose, you have to take the opportunity. The public needs to see your style acknowledged by an online publication before they know you’re official.

5. Already has that “Yeah, I’m kind of busy” swag down. Essential for building a fan base. While you want to be accessible, you can’t be too accessible. Also, who’s taking this picture? (An essential question for most Instagram accounts with multiple pictures of the user in seemingly private moments.)

6. Jermaine and his ma already have the poses down. Next stop: greatness. Look out for “Jermajesty,” dropping hopefully in January. And pay for it. Don’t steal it.

Hit up our Twitter to tell us who we should creep on next. We’ve got a lot of time … and these accounts aren’t going to be public forever.