Alex Ferguson, aka soccer Dick Cheney, wants to imprison your people

Alex Ferguson is basically soccer Dick Cheney. He’s always around even though he’s supposed to be off in some remote, wooded area counting his victories and taking shots at things. He’s still advising at the “highest levels,” popping his head through the door to shout advice about anything “high-level,” just when you forgot about him. And he’s interested in protecting his hallowed ground by finding new ways to punish people.

ESPN FC tells us that Fergie’s back, this time in the latest issue of The Big Issue. This time he’s here to discuss sin-bins, which, for the uninitiated, are basically a rugby or hockey penalty box — a place where you send misbehaving soccer players for a period when they’ve committed egregious fouls against humanity, like an overly harsh tackle, finishing like Gervinho this past weekend, or perhaps maybe even in-game adultery.

Fergie states, “So I’m still involved in football at the highest level. Right now, we’re looking at the possibility of introducing sin-bins like they have in rugby — a 10-minute suspension during the match. But we want to be careful that somehow it isn’t exploited if it’s introduced.”

A 10-minute suspension during a game without due process? Does the player have a right to representation? What’s to prevent the player from being held indefinitely without a hearing? Can they hold Joey Barton for longer than 10 minutes? Can they please keep Joey Barton in for a few days? Maybe if they give him a computer so he can blog while seeking forgiveness for his sins.

OK, so this isn’t exactly a discussion. It’s more of a series of questions you should ask yourself about Soccer Dick Cheney’s plans for society. Just suggesting that you may want to beware of a man exhibiting Cheney tendencies and tossing out crazy theories about how to keep people safe.

In the meantime, do not surprised if Fergie shoots someone in the face, and watch to see if he blames Obama for Manchester United’s struggles. If you see any of these things, know that it’s already too late.

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