Brooklyn Beckham usurps father, signs academy contract with Arsenal

David Beckham is slippin’. He hasn’t really been in the news lately: his Miami MLS project is still on “Nope” status, and Mia Hamm passed him in the retired player baller rankings. Now, it seems his son Brooklyn has forsaken Manchester United — the club of his ancestors — to sign an academy deal with rivalry-adjacent Arsenal’s U-16 team.

Having a 15 year-old son must be tough. They start getting the idea that their dads are old and weak. Making power moves to claim dominance and usurp the spot as new head of the household. David should have known that Brooklyn was coming for his neck when he signed a professional modeling contract. Brooklyn has announced to the world that there is a new, younger, better option in the Beckham family business of being handsome and kicking stuff. Your move, pops. If he marries one of Scary Spice’s kids, know that it’s a wrap for you, David.

To add insult to possible patricide, reports indicate that Manchester United (along with Chelsea and others) had interest in Beckham the Younger, and he spurned their advances. Shots fired. Brooklyn isn’t the only Beckham boy on the Arsenal books. Nine-year-old Cruz and 12-year-old Romeo are both already in the Gunners youth setup. Deep wounds for David, surely, but a man’s oldest son going rouge cuts deeper.

The signs were there early. Just look into Brooklyn’s eyes. You can see the resentment. He’s wanted to be top dog since he first got a taste of fame back during his father’s days with the LA Galaxy.

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“You sicken me, old man.”