Paris Saint-Germain saves the world in its new comic book

It’s a grim time for humanity. A technologically and athletically superior alien master race has landed — in Paris, as expected — and they mean to do us harm. They’ve watched us from afar and have grown disgusted by our society’s foul and treacherous ways. They’ve read the latest edition of our Racism Power Rankings and decided humanity needs a change in management. At least, that’s what I got out of this trailer for Paris Saint-Germain’s new comic book. I can’t read French.

If mass media has taught us anything, it’s that the greatest conflicts can be resolved on a soccer field. In Victory, Sly Stallone and Dwight D. Eisenhower lead the Allied All-Stars past the Nazi’s best in a 7-on-7, then used soccer balls charged with the spirit of freedom to kick down walls in its campaign through Berlin. That game changed the tide of the war and was the first felled domino in the eventual liberation of Europe. I don’t know. I never saw it.

Bend It Like Beckham features the oldest and deadliest conflict of all: a spirited teenage girl looking to experience the world versus conservative parents. It wasn’t until Mr. and Mrs. Bhamra finally saw Jess on the field that they understood her struggle.

In the new club official comic book, PSG Heroes, the mighty Parisians are tasked with saving the world from invaders from outer space. Personally, were this scenario to occur in reality, I would feel very secure in knowing that Zlatan Ibrahimovic — himself an alien — was captaining the squad tasked with saving our asses. Less inspiring, though, is the idea of David Luiz being on our last line of defense.

Imagine the wonderful subplots. Ezequiel Lavezzi falls for an alien lady, and a compromising Instagram photo of them hits TMZ France the night before the big game. Marco Verratti is inevitably sent off in the 63rd minute for a crunching tackle on the alien No. 9, setting off a planetary race riot in the stands. Blaise Matuidi is the Man of the Match, is again overlooked and finally has enough, returning with the defeated aliens to their distant world, where he’s worshiped as a god. Really compelling stuff.