The world is hard enough without the offside rule denying us this Aubameyang goal

The world is a cold, hard place. The global economy is in shambles. Every inch of the globe seems to be either at war, coming out of a war, or considering going to war. Almond milk is reaching incomprehensible prices.

The people need joy and light. We all need something to celebrate, and it’s been been scientifically proven (by absolutely no one) that nothing provides greater levels of momentary stress relief than watching people score great goals. Zlatan vines are right up there with medical marijuana for effective and revolutionary methods of curing boredom, lost appetite, general malaise and glaucoma (I think).

Why, then, do we continue to have an offside rule? Who benefits from a world that has less goals?

In what could have been a beautiful Borussia-on-Borussia moment, Dortmund’s Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang was denied the goal of the week, all because of some arbitrary rule about who was standing where when the ball was passed to him.

The offside rule is unjust and sends a terrible message to children. It says that they can achieve moments of brilliance, but in the end, it could mean nothing, because they did it by outsmarting their opposition. Terrible.

The offside rule is the sort of law passed by oppressive shadow governments. It’s inconsistently enforced (especially against the wealthy), no one understands it, it’s constantly debated and leads to undue conflict. It’s time for it to go.

Imagine a world where strikers are given the freedom to roam as they please. Suárez is less tense because he doesn’t always feel so caged in. Alexis is preserved, as his exploits being a one-man Premier League team require less stop-start running to nowhere. Imagine the antics Manuel Neuer would pull when he’s eyeball-to-eyeball with an opposing player all night.

Soccer is about freedom, beauty and expression. There’s a deep, ancient and primal reason why no one waves offside flags at your Sunday pickup games. It’s not natural. For centuries, geopolitics has shown us the danger of borders, yet we’ve learned nothing. For mankind’s sake, it’s time to make offside calls a thing of the past. Free your line, and the goals will follow.


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