Jerk dresses up as Zombie Suárez, isn’t pummeled

Nooope!

Some jackass got dressed up as a zombie Luis Suárez and decided to scare the shit out of unsuspecting strangers. “Luckily,” he wasn’t beaten to death.

Full Disclaimer: Two things I don’t mess with at all are pranks of any sort and being scared. My Age, Background, Culture, Geography and Temperament circles on a Venn diagram all meet at a central point that says “Do Not Frighten.”

I won’t get the joke. We won’t laugh about it later. Jump out at me and feel millions of years of evolutionary fight-or-flight survival choices come down upon your forehead with a mighty vengeance.

Does that sound crazy? Probably. Do I care? No. Don’t jump out of the bushes at me. You don’t know me!

MORE: The OFFICIAL list of 2014’s best soccer Halloween costumes

Bad enough to think you might be at an ATM one dark night and the real full-kit Suárez was in line behind you. God knows what he wants, or what that money is for. Nothing Luis Suárez is up to, where he needs to go get cash to do it, is any good. There you are in the middle of it, inadvertently impeding this hungry man’s progress. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! You are now the B-plot in Saw 12!

The guy in the costume (and whoever filmed this and posted it to the internet) should be charged with first degree assault. People out here are dying of unwarranted heart attacks every day for the sake of YouTube clicks and the federal government has done nothing about it. That’s why no one votes in midterm elections anymore.

He even had the nerve to put his hands on people and damn near shoved a guy down in the middle of the street. What part of the game is that? Where is this guy from? His parents failed him at an early age. This is the kind of thing the Drake generation thinks is funny.

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